Health

Grief Counseling and the Bereaved (aka Why I Keep my GC on speed dial)

June 25, 2019 By Lisa Bain Leave a Comment

A Coping With Grief Post

As I was preparing to leave town for another trek across Europe, I got my usual frenzy of appointments on the calendar for my last week. One of those was with my grief counselor. A friend of mine was surprised and asked why I was still seeing her. In her mind, since I was doing so great, I shouldn’t need to. I laughed. One of the reasons I’m doing so great is I continue to see her once or twice a year. You know, kind of like seeing the dentist? Both preventive and an excellent way to nip potential issues in the bud.

Those of you that are regular readers know I’m a huge proponent of the value of grief counseling. As we peel back the layers of that onion, we often uncover new levels of our grief, old traumas long buried, and all sorts of long-forgotten things. My grief counselor helps me work through those as they make their way to the surface. And my cluster bomb of losses ensured some of that emotional shrapnel was buried deep.

How It Works

Most insurance in the US pays for it. Most EAPs offer it. Some clergy will provide it, although their training is unregulated and inconsistent. Go with what feels right for you.

You’ll schedule an appointment. In your first visit, set the expectations of how the process is going to work. Don’t fool yourself into thinking one or two sessions will miraculously make the pain go away. The counseling helps to give us the coping mechanisms to deal with it, but it’s not a magic eraser.

If you aren’t connecting with your counselor, find a new one. You’re not under contract just because you saw them once or twice. Shop around. Ask other widows who they see and why they like them. If driving is an issue, look for a GC close to you. Don’t give up. (For example, due to my travel schedule, it was important to me to find a counselor that would work with me via skype or telephone.)

I’ve heard some widows say they can’t work with a counselor who isn’t also a card-carrying member of The W Club. I get that need for someone to truly understand your pain. But I view it a bit differently. I don’t need to have my arm chopped off to know it’s going to hurt. My very first counselor, through hospice, explained to me that while he hadn’t lost anyone to death, he’d experienced losses that broke him. That while he couldn’t understand MY pain, he did know pain. He wasn’t comparing our pain, so stop freaking out. He was doing his best to relate. That was enough for me.

And counselors have gone through years of training and study to help the bereaved. I love that my counselor listens to my feedback and has used it to help other Widows. She even reads my blog. (Hi, Kelli!) Can you see why I still see her? She takes my grief recovery and healing as seriously as I do.

Why I Still Go

My philosophy on why I have a grief counselor is the same as when I had a personal trainer, a sales coach, and any other mentor I’ve hired to help me be my best self. Sometimes we need that outside “coach” to help us along the way. I love her. She reminds me I’m doing a great job. She also calls me out on my bullshit, something only a small group of individuals has had the cajones to do since D died.

You’re Not Angry Anymore

In this last visit, my GC said something that caught me off guard. We were talking about how far I’d come, and when I told her I felt that I’d transitioned from healing to healed, she basically agreed and said that she didn’t hear any anger from me anymore.

Wait. What? Anger? I thought I’d gotten through the Widow Rage in Year One. Nope. She gave me examples as recent as six months ago, where I was still angry. A lot has happened since then, but forgiveness is a powerful thing. I could only laugh as I realized she was right. Her file notes provide an aerial view of the long and windy road that is grief recovery.

Sometimes, even when we think we’re all healed up, we’re really not quite there. And that’s why I still keep my GC on speed dial. I know life will continue to throw me grief curveballs as I hit new and unexpected milestones. Whatever you decide to do for yourself, please remember it’s never too late to get help if you want it.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Correcting Sleep Deprivation After Losing a Loved One

May 7, 2019 By Lisa Bain

Shout out to Sara Bailey at TheWidow.net for this follow-up guest post on the sleep issues the bereaved often face. I know first hand how critical sleep health is to the grief recovery process. It’s been almost three years since D died and I still struggle with the occasional bouts of insomnia. If you’re not sleeping, check out Sara’s tips below.

DISCLAIMER: this isn’t medical advice, just some experience from the front line of widowhood.

XO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Correcting Sleep Deprivation After Losing a Loved One

When you’ve lost someone close to you, such as a spouse or partner, the grief can be overwhelming. Grief has many symptoms that can manifest behaviorally, emotionally, and physically. Behavioral symptoms include restlessness, hyperactivity, nightmares, and either comfort eating or loss of appetite. Emotionally, grieving people may feel anxiety, guilt, irritability, detachment, loneliness, or depression. Physical symptoms can include aches and pains, stomach problems, oversensitivity to light or sound, panic attacks, diminished immunity, skin sensitivities, shakes, irregular heartbeat, and exhaustion.

A major symptom of grief that can impact a person behaviorally, emotionally, and physically is sleep deprivation. When you don’t get enough sleep, it doesn’t just make you tired. It also makes it harder for you to process your grief and heal. For your mental, physical, and emotional well-being, it’s important to do what you can to correct sleep deprivation.

Get Your Affairs in Order

After your loved one dies, there are a lot of things you will need to take care of — getting copies of the death certificate, determining what your burial insurance will cover, and contacting friends and relatives, to name but a few. Although it will feel unpleasant and almost counterintuitive to getting good, restful sleep, the sooner you get everything in order, the better. Removing a few stressors from the table will give your mind a little room to relax, which is important when you’re trying to navigate the tricky and turbulent waters of grief and loss.

Remove Bedroom Clutter

Your bedroom should be a sanctuary for rest. The more clutter you have in the room, the harder it is for your body and mind to relax. Take a day to clean out your closet and get rid of anything that isn’t conducive to sleep. Don’t just clean out your own stuff — you need to clean out your partner’s things as well. If you’re not ready to get rid of the items completely, you can keep them in an offsite storage facility where they’ll be safe but out of sight. This frees up both physical and emotional space in your bedroom so you can get to sleep. You can keep your partner’s items in there for a while and you can decide what to get rid of permanently at a later date.

Start an Exercise Routine

Americans are generally too sedentary for our own good, which is a shame since exercise can help us manage so many of our most common ailments. Included in these is — you guessed it — sleep deprivation. When you exercise regularly, not only do you take care of yourself, but you give your body the chance to burn off excess energy that keeps you awake at night. Exercise can also be very helpful for grieving people because it releases helpful neurotransmitters that counteract feelings of anxiety and depression. The surge of serotonin, dopamine, and GABA may not be enough to completely alleviate your grief, but it certainly helps. There are plenty of exercise regimens to choose from. You can join a local gym, jog outside, or even take up yoga. If you’ve never tried it, engaging in a yoga and meditation practice can help soothe an overactive mind and help you get more restful sleep at night. Most yoga studios only charge around $12 per class, so it’s not an expensive investment. If you don’t feel up to attending a class, there are numerous online videos worth checking out.

Avoid Stimulating Activities Before Bed

A healthy bedtime routine that ends with you going to sleep at roughly the same time every night teaches your body to wind down effectively. If you’re participating in stimulating activities right before bed, you’re counteracting all that training. While getting some exercise is great during the day for burning off excess energy, if you work out too close to bedtime, the exercise high can lead to insomnia. The screens in your house — think your television, computer, and tablets — emit blue light that tricks the brain into thinking it’s still daytime. Avoid watching TV or surfing the internet before bed to prevent this from happening.

If you have a hard time falling asleep, limit your caffeine intake to before noon or cut it out completely. Likewise, avoid alcohol and eating right before bed. While a nightcap and a full stomach may help you feel drowsy at first, digesting takes a lot out of your body and diminishes the quality of sleep. Finally, try and leave the anxiety from your day out of the bedroom. Try meditating or taking a warm bath to soothe stress and make it easier to fall asleep. Consider investing in a device designed to help you fall asleep, like this anxiety-relieving sleep lamp for only $70. It helps you focus on your breathing so you can sleep more soundly.

A major loss like that of a spouse or partner affects a person in many ways. Sleep deprivation is a common symptom of grief, yet without enough of it, you have a more difficult time coping with the death. Correct sleep imbalances by curating your bedroom environment and creating a routine that sends a signal to your body that it’s time to rest.

Welcome Sleep Back Into Your Life After A Loss

January 8, 2019 By Lisa Bain

A guest post by Sara Bailey of thewidow.net.

I’ve struggled with insomnia and sleep issues since the hubs died, and can personally relate to everything Sara says here. Self-care is critically important, and lack of sleep impacts more than just our cognitive processing. I hope you find her tips as helpful as I did.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Welcome Sleep Back Into Your Life After A Loss

Insomnia is a common problem for those who’ve lost a spouse as they toss and turn throughout the night, grappling with intense emotions of anger, grief, and fear. Moreover, that lack of sleep can lead to more serious health problems, such as a weakened immune system, high blood pressure, and an increased risk of diabetes.

It’s time to put an end to this with self-care. Practicing good self-care means focusing on your well-being through eating well, exercising, and finding ways to relax before bed. Here’s a closer look at what you need to do.

Address Your Diet

There are a number of foods to avoid, particularly chocolate or anything else with too much caffeine or sugar, which should never be eaten in the evening or late afternoon. The same goes for items high in fat, such as burgers and pizza, which could cause indigestion. Instead, have a dinner rich in vegetables, lean protein, and whole grains.

Get More Exercise

Physical activity relieves stress while raising your body temperature. When it drops back down, that signals to your mind that it’s time to relax so you remain calm throughout the day and into the later hours. How you break a sweat depends on what you enjoy; for example, you could go for an early morning run or take a spinning class in the evening. Here’s the important part: The more you enjoy the activity, the more you’re likely to repeat it.

Form a Routine

This is crucial for ensuring you get to enough quality sleep regularly rather than slipping back into unhealthy patterns after a few days. Set a regular bedtime and stick to it, even on the weekends, so your body maintains a healthy circadian rhythm. To help things along, schedule relaxing activities in the evening to make sure you’re drowsy when the lights go out.

Take an Evening Shower

A nice shower is definitely one thing you should add to that evening schedule. Dowsing your body with warm water has a similar effect as exercising: Your body heats up and then cools down again, slowing your heartbeat and breathing rate, explains a writer with Lifehacker. This tells your body it’s time for sleep.

Drink an Infusion

However, going to bed right after a hot shower isn’t a great idea. As mentioned, your body needs at least 90 minutes to cool down, so use that time to drink an herbal infusion. Chamomile, Linden, or rosemary will delight your taste buds while also soothing your mind.

Pick Up a Book

According to a scientist speaking with Elite Daily, it takes only six minutes of reading for significant relaxation, thus preparing you for a night of restful slumber. It’s a major antidote to stress and a wonderful addition to the evening routine you’re crafting.

Tune Out

Now to address what you shouldn’t do in the evening. Besides the aforementioned caffeine and sugar, say “no” to digital devices such as your smartphone and laptop. They emit a constant stream of blue light that mimics the effects of the sun when you’re supposed to be dozing off. Besides, you’ve got a good book to read anyway.

Change Your Mattress

The mattress you’re sleeping on may be a little too old or does not match your sleeping position. There are four basic types: innerspring, memory foam, latex, and airbed. If you lie on your side to fall asleep, then memory foam would be the best, whereas innerspring and airbed serve better for stomach sleepers. Find what works best for you.

Explore Different Sleep Technologies

If you’re going to change the mattress, go one step further and look into gadgets that could help you successfully drift off to sleep. Stay away from products whose claim to fame isn’t backed by sound scientific research. What might work is an alarm clock that also emits sleep-inducing light and sound to send you off to dreamland.

Hopefully, these tips should have you dozing off soon enough so you can avoid the worst consequences of insomnia and get back some of that youthful energy you need to forge ahead. Good luck — and sweet dreams.

The Group: Seven Widowed Fathers Reimagine Life (A Book Review)

August 28, 2018 By Lisa Bain

The healing power of even the most microscopic exchange with someone who knows in a flash precisely what you’re talking about because she experienced that thing too cannot be overestimated.
Cheryl Strayed

The Group: Seven Widowed Fathers Reimagine Life, by Donald L. Rosenstein and Justin M. Yopp

DISCLAIMER: I don’t receive any proceeds from the sale of this book, even if you use the link above. Proceeds from the book go back to supporting WidowedParent.org. Donations are also accepted on their website.

Why A Book Review?

When I was approached by Dr. Justin Yopp about reviewing their book, I was hesitant. The Group came out of a project for widowed fathers. I’m a childless widow, and wasn’t sure I was the right demographic. Dr. Yopp assured me that while their project, and the book that was born from it, was originally for widowed fathers, their scope had expanded significantly. You know me, I’m game to take a look at anything that deals with grief.

Coincidentally (or not, since I don’t believe in coincidences), at the same time Dr. Yopp contacted me, I became aware of two families in the Boise area that will be dealing with this all too soon. At this exact moment, two young moms are losing their battles with cancer and will be leaving their grieving husbands behind to raise their young children alone in a society that doesn’t understand or acknowledge grief. (F*k cancer!) My copy of the book will find a new home when the time is right.

The Group chronicles the grief journey of seven widowed fathers as they figured out their new reality together, including dealing with the challenges of learning how to be a sole parent (not to be confused with single parenting) and deal with their grief at the same time. I cried through a bunch of it. The pain these men endured wasn’t so different from my own.

While there aren’t many resources available for Widows with children, the resources for widowed fathers are practically non-existent. Or were until the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill team took it on. As much time as I’ve spent staring grief down over the last two years, there were some points and perspectives in the book that took me by surprise.

Grief or Bereavement

The distinction between grief and bereavement bitch-slapped me into re-evaluating many of the grief groups I belong to. I was forced to rethink how I identify with, and describe, grief. They write, “Whereas grief and mourning can follow the loss of anyone or anything considered meaningful, the term “bereavement” is used only in the context of death.”

Whoah, insert mind blown emoji here. I am one of the grieving. But I am also in the smaller group of the bereaved. It may seem like an insignificant distinction, but for the bereaved, it’s a chasm bigger than the Grand Canyon. Don’t believe me? Just watch what happens in a generic grief group when someone compares breaking up with their boyfriend, or a divorce, to the death of a spouse. Yowzas.

The Dual Process Model

If you’ve been reading for a while, you’ve heard me say the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief Model was the worst thing to happen to the grieving. The false expectations of linear grief recovery apply an impossible burden on the Widow after the death of her spouse. This was the first reference I’d seen to the Dual Process Model, developed by Dr. Margaret Stroebe and Dr. Henk Schut from Utrecht University in the Netherlands.

Unlike the linear Kübler-Ross Model, the Dual Process Model describes how the bereaved deal with two types of grief stressors: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented, and that we oscillate between both. I was so intrigued I asked Dr. Yopp to send me the paper, and you’ll read more about this in a future post.

Grief Isn’t a Mental Illness

“Pathologizing grief as a psychiatric condition would stigmatize a common and normal human reaction.”

Hallelujah and thank you! To all the medical doctors out there who try to prescribe grief away, please stop it! Grief can’t be cured or fixed, only survived. I’ve written about “complicated grief” a specific condition, in previous posts, and that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about doctors who act like a W should be better in a few weeks, and instantly grab their prescription pad to magic the pain away. (I’m the first to admit many people can be helped with pharmaceuticals, but prescribing anti-fill-in-the-blanks to the bereaved without counseling should be grounds for malpractice.)

The Future

At the end of the book I was rooting for all of the Widowers as they put their pieces back together in their new WE to ME realities. Despite being a childless Widow, I felt a kinship with these men that I’d never met. I’m so grateful that the cancer clinic decided to continue to provide the support they did, and start the conversation about the needs of widowed parents. For more information on their work, visit www.widowedparent.org.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

PRO TIP:

Thinking about getting this book for a widowed father? Everyone is different, but I’d wait at least a few weeks after the funeral, maybe even longer. And avoid the “Hey, you need this,” which we tend to receive as “You suck at grief and survival and being a human being, which is why you need this.” Instead, try something like, “My friend Lisa blogs about grief and bereavement, and she recommended this book. You don’t have to read it now, or ever, but I wanted you to have it just in case. I love you.”

POST SOUNDTRACK

Song for Dad, Keith Urban

Lately I’ve been noticing
I say the same things he used to say
And I even find myself acting the very same way
I tap my fingers on the table
To the rhythm in my soul
And I jingle the car keys
When I’m ready to go
When I look in the mirror
He’s right there in my eyes
Starin’ back at me and I realize

The older I get
The more I can see
How much he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
A little more of my father in me

There were times I thought he was bein’
Just a little bit hard on me
But now I understand he was makin’ me
Become the man he knew that I could be
In everything he ever did
He always did with love
And I’m proud today to say I’m his son
When somebody says I hope I get to meet your dad
I just smile and say you already have

He’s in my eyes
My heart, my soul
My hands, my pride
And when I feel alone

And I think I can’t go on
I hear him sayin’ “Son you’ll be alright”
Everything’s gonna be alright”
Yes it is

The older I get
The more I can see
That he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
Oh I hope I see
I hope everyday I see
A little more of my father in me

Someone Take Care of Me. Oh Wait, I’m Someone.

January 29, 2018 By Lisa Bain

The sooner you accept the fact that you have to take care of yourself,
the better it will be. He’s gone.
You used to know how to do this. You can do it again.
Put your big girl panties on and get the f@#$ out of bed.
You know he’d tell you the same thing, so just do it.
Or roll over, give up and die. It’s your choice. Own it.
Lisa Bain, The Life After Journals

Whenever I feel myself getting extra emotional and sweatin’ the small stuff, I know I’m getting sick. How could a formerly strong woman who used to power through the worst illness or pain now struggle to deal with a little cold like it’s the man flu? Funny how one letter, say a W, can change everything.

Picture it, Sicily 1956. Oops, wrong show. (You youngins can Google Golden Girls. I’ll wait.)

Picture it: me, stuck in a hotel room feeling miserable. Annoyed at missing out on yet another night on the town, and pissed at Dan for dying and leaving me alone to take care of myself. Add in a sad song playlist and scrolling through old photos, and you get the gist. Yeah, I know. Dramatic. And for the record, the boohooing only makes the sniffles worse. But sometimes the pity party just has to happen so you can get on with your day.

Where’s the nurse?

I’m totally capable of taking care of myself, but miss having someone take care of me when I’m sick. Dan was a $hitty nurse but always made sure I had drinks and food. He’d check to make sure I didn’t have a fever. If I were really sick, he’d take me to the doctor. But mostly he’d wake me up to tell me that he missed me or to ask if I needed Jello or soup. HE’D WAKE ME UP FOR THAT! Damn, I miss how annoying Nurse Dan could be!

So there I was, lying in a Spanish hotel room feeling awful and being whiny about it. Times like this are rude reminders that I’m really alone and have to be the grown up in this relationship. I have to be the someone who takes care of me. Easy Peasey when it’s treating yourself to a stay in an Irish castle. It’s not as easy when you feel icky and have to doctor yourself in another country. Adulting 101. Check.

And with that, I’m reminded I do have someone who can bring me drinks and food. The lovely people at room service.

Oh, and it’s true one letter can change everything. Add one more W, and now I’m Wonder Woman.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

P.S. I’m fine now. But for all my W’s, please take care of yourself. Preventing illness in the first place is the best way to avoid having to nurse yourself back to health.

Health

Grief Counseling and the Bereaved (aka Why I Keep my GC on speed dial)