A Keeping It Real Post
“He said anything worth doing should scare you a little, and that some of the greatest stories began with a journey.”
Mindy Mejia, Everything You Want Me to Be
In my last post I described how men who date Widows are brave. Today’s post describes the bravery required by Widows who date. And it does take bravery. W’s are bada$$ survivors, but the thought of dating can push us over the edge. @#$%^&* Daniel, this is all your fault! I’ve cursed Dan more times than I can count since I started this process, and that was after receiving his (unwelcome at the time) blessing and encouragement to try to find love again. It’s all his fault I’m in this situation. If he hadn’t died, I’d be curled up on the couch with him, not polling my friends to decide on an online dating profile photo.
Choosing Life
“Feel that? Flesh, and blood, and warmth.” (Jacob to Bella, Twilight Saga: Eclipse)
A few posts back, I made a casual reference to the Twilight rivalry between Team Edward and Team Jacob. (Team Jacob Forever!) I was describing to a friend why I couldn’t choose the cold dead guy over the living, breathing, hot one, and that had me laughing out loud when I realized what I was saying. I know it may be a stretch, but damn if that didn’t hit me between the eyes as a metaphor for moving forward, especially as I’ve been working on this series of posts about Widows and dating.
If only it were that easy. But this isn’t a post about the emotional challenges we face as we move forward. Nope. This is specifically related to the fears W’s may have about dating. For the sake of clarity I’ll use myself as an example, but I spent hours interviewing other W’s for this post. (Shout out to all my W’s who generously shared their insights and experiences.)
Dating Is Scary Stuff
Out Of Practice
Um, we’re a little out of practice for the whole dating game. After so long as a wife, and then a grieving Widow, how do I get anyone to see me as a woman? Least of all myself? Being a W is part of who I am, but it’s not all I am. And guys tend to get the deer in the headlights look when it finally comes up in conversation.
@#$%^&* Daniel, this is all your fault!
Where Do You Meet Men?
Hellooooo? The last time most of us went on a date, there were no apps for that. We met men in real life, one that now feels a little like a Norman Rockwell painting. There was no swipe right or left. And which one is it? Right or Left? Pretty sure most of us swipe the wrong way at first, I know I did. (I won’t get into those hilarious “OMG-I-think-I-swiped-the-wrong-way-what-do-I-do-now” stories here, but they are the stuff of open mic night at the comedy club, and usually involve frantically trying to delete a profile as quickly as possible and then throwing the phone across the room.)
@#$%^&* Daniel, this is all your fault!
Who To Trust?
How do we know we can trust you? I can’t tell you how many times we find out one of you lies about being married or manipulates us to get what they want. Settlements are public record in most places. Any perception of assets makes a W a target. Widow Hunters are real, and even if a W likes you, it can take time to get past the walls we build to keep you at arm’s length.
How do we know we can trust ourselves? We know we’re vulnerable. And as ready as we may think we are, we don’t want to make a mistake that will hurt you, either. Did I mention keeping you at arm’s length?
@#$%^&* Daniel, this is all your fault!
Kids
What about my kids? Okay, so you know I don’t have any of my own, but my W friends with children think about it. Obsess even. We may not always do a good job protecting ourselves, but we will fight to the end to protect our kids. We’re the only parent they have left. If you’re going to date a W, it will be a while before she introduces you to her kids. A long while.
@#$%^&* Daniel, this is all your fault!
What’s Your Likelihood of Dying?
Will he die? This is a valid fear for a W. I’ve written about it before, but it’s worth mentioning again. If your W starts freaking out about your health, it’s because she’s been through it before. I’ve heard many W’s set age restrictions, not wanting to date anyone older because of that fear of death. Even those of us who lost our healthy husbands at a young age can quote mortality rates better than a life insurance underwriter. We can’t even imagine surviving it a second time.
@#$%^&* Daniel, this is all your fault!
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. There are worse things to happen than getting dumped, we know this first hand. But, a breakup can start the grief cycle all over again. So some of us avoid the potential altogether, despite the desire for male companionship or a relationship. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard a W lament not having a gay friend to hang out with or be their plus one at events.
@#$%^&* Daniel, this is all your fault!
What Not To Say
You didn’t really think a post on dating would come without at least one What Not To Say mention, did you? Yeah, dating is scary. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. Just remember, if your W trusts you enough to talk to you about it, that takes courage. Don’t even think the words, “it’s too soon” or “it’s time” anywhere near your W. Only she can make that decision. You don’t have to like it, you just have to support it. And yeah, @#$%^&* Daniel, this is all your fault!
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
Got a topic you want to read about? Message me. Thanks for reading, L
POST SOUNDTRACK
Love may be a gamble or a lead pipe cinch,
Leave your heart in shambles, never give an inch
But however it goes, when it’s under your nose,
Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance.
Love may be a fire or a puff of smoke,
Moment of desire or it’s go-for-broke,
But however it’s planned when it closes your hand,
Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance.
You may be the one in a million who’s lucky to win that prize.
You may be the one in a million who gets it between the eyes.
Love may the ocean or a drop of rain,
Choosing as emotion or a constant pain.
You won’t know what you’ve got till your heart is on a spot.
Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance.
Love may be a double or a fate on balls,
Tiny water buffalo on Niagara Falls,
Though the cards in the game never turn up the same,
Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance.
Love may be a gravel or a two-ton truck
Regal as a sable or a Donald Duck,
But you must not avoid what is basic as Freud,
Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance.
Love is real devotion or it’s inhumane.
Still without emotion or a hurricane
So remembering this, when it’s close as a kiss,
Take a chance, take a chance on love,
Here’s your chance, grab that chance, here is love.
Written by: DAVID RAKSIN, DON STANFORD
Lisa,
I do not know if you remember me but Bob and I were on the Insight trip to Italy earlier this year and I shared with you that Bob is my second husband. I met and married Bob a few years after my first husband, Bill, died when I was only 34 years old.
That was over 30 years ago and the dating scene today is so different so I am not sure how I would handle it today. I will tell you that it was most important that I know myself and listen to my inner self as I moved forward after Bill died. And it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was lucky to find love and a life partner again but I did believe it was possible. I also made sure I was pursuing what was important in my life at the time and not pursuing a man to complete me. I met Bob in a group setting for widows and widowers and divorcees and we were supportive friends long before we connected.
I think you are moving forward with courage and fortitude. Just don’t give up. I have no experience with online dating but I have watched my son use it when he moved on after college. I give him the same advice about believing in himself and pursuing his interests to meet people at this time in his life when he really wants a meaningful relationship. (He is dating someone now and is cautiously optimistic.) I do think W’s have a challenge because after a successful marriage there is always the spectre of the spouse “saint” to scare a prospective partner but just be sure to be honest with yourself and your dates about Dan, who he was and who he wasn’t. And then be open to a totally new kind of relationship at this point in your life.
I think of you often and have been glad to read about your journeys into the future. We are doing well; planning another trip next year to France, Belgium, Luxemburg and Netherlands. We do an international trip and a domestic each year; just finished a month long cross country trek by train and auto to 4 more National Parks (only 30 more to go!) Our relationship grows and strengthens with each trip (we are retired now). I am sure you will find that life partner since you have such an adventurous, open heart and soul.
Carry on and take care,
Adair Maller
Atlanta, Georgia
I do remember you! Thanks so much for reading and the kind words. Safe travels! XO, L