“Find people who can handle your darkest truths, who don’t change the subject when you share your pain, or try to make you feel bad for feeling bad. Find people who understand we all struggle, some of us more than others, and that there’s no weakness in admitting it. Find people who want to be real, however that looks and feels, and who want you to be real, too. Find people who get that life is hard, and who get that life is also beautiful, and who aren’t afraid to honor both of those realities. Find people who help you feel more at home in your heart, mind and body, and who take joy in your joy. Find people who love you, for real, and who accept you, for real. Just as you are.
They’re out there, these people. Your tribe is waiting for you. Don’t stop searching until you find them.”
Scott Stabile
A What Not to Say Post
Over the last two years, I’ve been told by a handful of people that I shouldn’t hang out with other Widows; that it’s morbid and holding me back. I can take a lot, but if you want to see me go ape $hit in less than three seconds, go ahead and try bashing my W Sisterhood.
It IS true that I spend a lot of time talking about grief. News flash: I’m a grief blogger, it goes with the territory. Because I write about it, people connect me with other Widows. I’m happy to help in any way I can, just like those that helped me. I started a Widow’s social group in my area. We hang out. No fears of being a third wheel with this group. (My PR is 13th wheel. I should get a trophy or private whiskey label for that. Right?) These women are my sisters in the grief journey; my tribe. They get me, and we’ve become a family.
I try to see where the Judgy McJudgerson’s are coming from. Maybe they are afraid, so don’t want me to acknowledge grief’s existence. Or, maybe it’s because they think my sharing in someone else’s grief journey is too much for me to bear. (That’s the most generous I can be.) But I had someone tell me once, to my face, that it was just plain morbid. For f* sake, our husbands are all dead, of course it’s f*ng morbid. But it’s so much more than that.
The Widowhood Sisterhood
1. Understanding
Other Widows understand how you feel. No judgment. No explanation necessary. We get it. Other Widows don’t require you to hide your grief and pain which, in case you didn’t know, is f*ng exhausting. You can vent without apology. You can be tired. You can talk about your lost will to live, without someone freaking out that you’re suicidal. (FYI, not wanting to live and wanting to harm yourself are two different things. If another W tells you she’s scared for you, it’s time to get help.) Other Widows can handle the raw ugliness of grief in a way our Non-W friends and family can’t.
2. Cry If You Want To
You can cry in front of other Widows and they don’t judge you, or try to fix you, or tell you to suck it up buttercup. Nope. They cry too, and hug you, and just remind you that you aren’t truly alone in the world, no matter how lonely you are. Same goes for atomic meltdowns and grief bombs. No judging or a$$ chewing, only understanding and love and acceptance.
3. Widow Snark
I can’t express how much I love Widow snark. Dark humor is a coping mechanism, and we use it with abandon when we’re with other Widows. Normals (what we sometimes call you) either don’t get it, are afraid to laugh, or accuse us of being morbid. Case in point, I decided my Halloween costume this year will be a life-sized cardboard cutout of Dan and I’m going as “Not A Widow.” My W friends found this hilarious. Some of my Normal friends…not so much. (FYI, it IS hilarious. And it’s okay to laugh.) We joke because it feels better than crying.
4. Widow Dating Comedy
You can talk to other Widows about men, dating, and sex without the judgment you get from your Normal friends and family. Most of us don’t even bother telling our Normals anything anymore because we get tired of hearing the same stupid crap every other single woman hears, with no regard to the layer of widow baggage. (I know you can’t wait for my hilarious blog series on Widows and dating. Coming soon!)
5. Grief Emergencies
Grief bombs happen. You can call another W and say “911” or “I can’t be alone tonight” and she’ll be there. We rally for each other with no explanation needed. And no excuses about being too busy with work/family/life. Rushing over in PJs late at night, early morning sobbing phone calls, or emergency happy hours and dinner dates are par for the course. Life happens. Grief happens. And you never feel like you’re putting another W out by asking for help.
We Don’t Want You To Understand
So before you tell a W that she shouldn’t hang out with other Widows, shut your pie hole and remember that they provide a support and understanding you can’t. It’s not a contest. We’re happy you don’t have a f*ng clue what we’re going through because the only way you could understand, would be as one of us. And we don’t wish that on anyone.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
POST SOUNDTRACK
We Are Family ∼ Sister Sledge
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing
Everyone can see we’re together
As we walk on by
(And) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won’t tell no lie
(All) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
We’re giving love in a family dose
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing
Living life is fun and we’ve just begun
To get our share of this world’s delights
(High) high hopes we have for the future
And our goal’s in sight
(We) no, we don’t get depressed
Here’s what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won’t go wrong, oh no
This is our family jewel
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family (get up, get up y’all)
Get up everybody and sing
We are family