How Did He Die?

A What Not to Say Post

Okay, folks, it’s time to address this one. Again. I belong to a Facebook group, and recently someone posted wanting details on how two of our members died. Talk about an opportunity to remind people this is a big, fat, hairy what not to say to the bereaved.

I still get this question. I don’t mind it. Dan was young, so it was unlikely to have been natural causes, and people are curious. I DO mind when it’s followed by, “what kind of cancer?” I usually respond, “the rare and aggressive kind.” Here is where I get testy if the asker continues with, “But what kind exactly?” One hundred percent of the time, if I allow the conversation to get this far, I get, “Huh. Never heard of it.” That’s because it’s rare and aggressive. Argh!

Why Are You Asking?

I have a friend who has gently coached me into flipping it back, instead of flipping them off. “I’m curious why you’d ask that.” She’s learned over the years that people often have a personal reason for asking, usually a connection to someone with cancer. Or that flipping it back will end the interrogation if it’s just morbid curiosity. Karen is one of the smartest people I know, so I try to implement this when my brain is working at full capacity.

You Know What They Say About Assuming

And don’t assume the deceased died at their own hands just because the family doesn’t want to talk about it. There are lots of reasons they want to keep it private. I can vouch for the fact that sometimes, especially in the early days, it’s just too painful to process.

Believe it or not, I had people grill me during the worst of my grief, on the gruesome details of Dan’s last moments. It didn’t matter where I was, including at work. Some people just wouldn’t let it go. Thanks a lot for pouring lighter fluid on my gaping wounds and then setting it on fire. You probably had no clue that your insensitive, or intentionally sadistic, interrogation almost always resulted in a full-blown PTSD attack. Once that PTSD attack was so bad, it resulted in an overdose. Good times.

(FYI, Dan’s last few hours were so horrific that the five of us who were present that morning have never discussed it. I’m not sure we ever will.)

I’m Guilty

Despite my own experiences on the receiving end of this question, I still find myself wanting to know what happened when someone young dies. My reasons for wanting to know are a bit different, though. If I know a little about the circumstances, I may be able to be a better support for the bereaved. I know that survivors of suicide or overdose struggle with additional stigmas and feelings that they aren’t worthy to publicly grieve the loss of their loved one. That’s poppycock, by the way. Regardless of the circumstances, none of us asked to be Widows. Despite my curiosity, I keep that question to myself.

The Bottom Line

Here’s the bottom line: if the family wanted you to know, they’d have told you. It would have been in the obituary, or you’d have heard about it at the funeral. And it doesn’t matter how they died. They are gone. They aren’t coming back. The HOW doesn’t matter when we’ll never know the WHY.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

POST SOUNDTRACK

No, Meghan Trainor

I think it’s so cute and I think it’s so sweet
How you let your friends encourage you to try and talk to me
But let me stop you there, oh, before you speak
My name is no
My sign is no
My number is no
You need to let it go
You need to let it go

First, you gonna say you ain’t runnin’ game, thinkin’ I’m believing every word
Call me beautiful, so original, telling me I’m not like other girls
I was in my zone before you came along, now I’m thinking maybe you should go
Blah, blah, blah, blah
I be like nah to the I, to the no, no, no
All my ladies listen up
If that boy ain’t giving up
Lick your lips and swing your hips
Girl all you gotta say is
My name is no
My sign is no
My number is no
You need to let it go

Thank you in advance, I don’t wanna dance
I don’t need your hands all over me
If I want a man, then Imma get a man
But it’s never my priority
I was in my zone before you came along, don’t want you to take this personal
Blah, blah, blah, I be like nah to the ah to the, no, no, no

Songwriters: Eric Frederic / Meghan Trainor / Jacob Kasher
NO lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Downtown Music Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.