A Coping With Grief Post
A fellow W and I were chatting recently about how tough it can be to get used to doing things on our own. Alone. Things like dining out, going to movies, life activities in general, are all designed to be completed in pairs or groups. As someone who has traveled the globe solo, and has a few W years under my belt, I’ve learned a few coping mechanisms to the occasional awkwardness that comes from leaving my cave all by my lonesome.
Look good-Feel good
This motto doesn’t just work for cancer patients, it works for the bereaved who are heading out for a Table for One experience. Not gonna lie, I’ve had my share of ballcap-ponytail-no make-up wearing-hoodie kinda days, but if you’re already hesitant about going out alone you’ll feel more confident if you’ve at least showered and combed your hair.
Make a reservation
If you’re going to treat yourself to a nice meal, reserving a table can help you get better service. (I’ve found this to be especially true in Europe, where women dining alone are often confused with prostitutes. WTF Europe!) Where was I? Oh yes, reserve a table. I always ask for the best table in the house (nobody puts Baby in a corner!), especially if there is a view. Tell them it’s a special occasion, dress for the experience and tip well.
Own It
Sister, walk in like you own the place, head held high. Easier said than done, I know. I keep threatening to go out in a black dress and veil, but so far that black-belt level of widow snark hasn’t happened yet. I promise to get photos if it does.
And the Oscar Goes To…
One way of getting over the fear of Table For One is trying on a different persona for the company. Here are my three favorites.
1. Writer
I admit this isn’t my most creative option since I am a writer. It’s still fun. I create backstories for the people around me. It keeps me from staring at my phone the whole time. Coffee shops, pubs, restaurants, you name it. If you’ve been one of the people to catch me watching you, oopsie. I promise I’m not a stalker, just a writer. The Scots and the Dutch are my favorites for this pastime, but it works universally. Who knows? You may have ended up in one of my stories. And it doesn’t even matter if I don’t speak your language, I’ll just make up an interesting translation to whatever conversation you may be having.
2. Jane Goodall
In this case, I’m studying you. I use this a lot when I’m traveling. I find the way people do things fascinating. The hundreds of nuances that make up the differences (and similarities) between us are all carefully cataloged for later study. What do I mean? How men and women interact. Or how the young speak to the old. How you pour your coffee, the colors and fashion you wear, and whether or not you smile easily or make eye contact with me. National Geographic hasn’t called me to report for them yet, but I’m ready just in case.
3. International Woman of Mystery
This one makes me laugh the most, so it should come as no surprise it’s my favorite. It can sometimes be awkward to walk into a restaurant alone, especially if you are the only solo in a sea of couples. Increase the awkward factor by 1000 when it’s a fine dining establishment.
Here’s where I break bad with my mad theater skills (my Drama 101 professor would be so proud), and I suddenly become Lisa Bain, International Woman of Mystery. Move over Austin Powers. I don’t need an ascot; I have an LBD and heels. It’s easier to get over feeling uncomfortable if you tell yourself everyone is trying to figure out if they should know who you are, and wishing they were as cool and mysterious and probably hanging out with rock stars and astronauts on the weekends, or whatever International Women of Mystery do with their free time.
Laughter is the best medicine
I figure if I’m going to go out alone, I may as well laugh and have fun with it. And you know what? I’ve cried more than enough tears for this lifetime, so take it from me, laughing is the better option. Fortunately, I find myself hilarious, so it’s not difficult. You can laugh too. At me. With me. It really doesn’t matter. Just laugh.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
POST SOUNDTRACK
Mysterious Woman, Marc Roberts (lyrics John Farry)
Mysterious woman
I saw you at an airport
Ticket in your hand
I got a feeling in my heart
I didn’t understand
Something in the way you were
Something foreign in your eyes
Made me wish that I could share
One moment of your life
Mysterious woman
I wonder, did you see
The kind of spell you put on me?
Mysterious woman
I wish I could find the key
To the kind of spell you put on me
The room was full of faces
But you stood out from the crowd
People going places
Far away beyond the clouds
Were you from the streets of Paris
Or the coast of Italy?
Or were you from as far away
As the gulf of Araby?
Mysterious woman
I wonder, did you see
The kind of spell you put on me?
Mysterious woman
I wish I could find the key
To the kind of spell you put on me
Did I imagine you smiled
Or were my thoughts going wild?
Suddenly you were going
The speaker called your plane
There was no way of knowing
If I’d ever see you again
But this brief, so brief encounter
Will always stay with me
I will always treasure
The bittersweet memory
Mysterious woman
I wonder, did you see
The kind of spell you put on me?
Mysterious woman
It’ll always be a mystery
The kind of spell you put on me
As a male I often have gone to restaurants and when I say just one is dining often they ask if I would want to sit at the bar rather than the dining area. If there is a wait for seating in the dining area I go with the bar for faster seating. I’m not sure if being by myself makes the difference but I never get asked when I am with someone.
Great point, Craig. Even men are pushed to the bar if they are solo diners. In this case, even if a restaurant allows a woman to sit alone at the bar (reference the hullaballoo this week about the restaurant in New York refusing solo females seats at the bar under the assumption that only a prostitute would choose to dine alone), many women feel uncomfortable doing so since it can invite unwanted harassment. That type of pressure is the last thing a W needs to deal with as she’s getting used to Table for One. XO, L