A Wondering Widow Post
He Love Me.
He Loves Me Not.
Last week I shared my favorite Bro Tips, the advice I get from my guy friends. Being one of the boys means I get to reciprocate. Here is my Numero Uno tip for my Dudes: say the mushy stuff, and say it out loud.
Some men excel at the gooey emotional stuff. Others not so much, even when they feel it. Society has done a $hit job of permitting men to do this. Dan was no exception. He wasn’t much for heartfelt declarations of love and mush. But he was really good at writing them down. Something I didn’t learn until AFTER he died.
Birthday and anniversary cards were always funny, and often signed with, “Mush, Me.” But back in the fall of 2016, as I was cleaning up to pack and move out of our dream home, I found love notes scattered around the house. And before you break bad with the P.S. I Love You references, some of them were dated years before we heard the words Stage Four Terminal Cancer. I even found an “I Love Lisa” journal that documented all the reasons he loved me, and all the goofy things he loved about me.
What the freaking hell, Dude? Why was it only after you died that I found out my knuckle-dragging cretin (his description, not mine) was secretly a mushy romantic?
Back in those early months AD (After Dan), deep in my grief, I was too afraid to read any of them. Yeah, afraid. You see, I had no way to ask for explanation or clarification on anything. It was terrifying to think I might learn he didn’t love me the way I thought, or that I was a horrible wife and he hated our life together. Completely stupid and irrational, I know, but grief isn’t logical. I’d just lost him, myself, and our future together. I couldn’t bear the risk of losing the idea of us too.
So I neatly packaged the notes and the journal up and put them in a special box. That box lived under his pillow after I moved (I continued to sleep on my side of the bed for a long time). I still couldn’t bring myself to read them but would sometimes hold the box and ask him, out loud, what they said.
Just Read It
And then I hit the one year marker. By this point, I’d already made the decision to leave for Europe, had retired, and sold or given away most of my things (including the bed in which I now slept smack dab in the middle). So on his one-year deathiversary, I poured a generous bourbon and sat down to open the box. And I bawled my eyes out. And I laughed. I laughed a lot. And I realized how stupid I was for ever doubting that he loved me. I was an idiot for ever questioning whether what we had was anything less than the epic love story I knew in my heart to be true. And I asked him, out loud, why he never told me these things when he was alive.
Just Say It
If you’ve read Krissie’s Post you know why I’ll always tell you I love you. (Unless you’re Irish because the Irish find this really weird). This is a little different. This is specifically for my Bros in a relationship, or who want to be. We take so many things for granted. We take for granted that those we love know how we feel and how we value them. Dan would have been horrified, heartbroken, and angry to know that his love for me was ever in doubt. I sometimes wonder if he knew how much I loved him. He wasn’t alone in the lack of mushy, I suck at that too. Although I’m making a concerted effort to ensure the people in my life know how I feel about them.
So screw what society says. Say the mushy stuff. Say it out loud. You may not get another chance. Don’t leave the ones you’ll leave behind ever wondering whether it was real or not.
And hey, I love you. Even you, my Irish peeps. And that’s for real.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
This song has a permanent spot on my playlists, as a reminder to make sure those I love never have to question it.
In Case You Didn’t Know
∼Brett Young
I can’t count the times
I almost said what’s on my mind
But I didn’t
Just the other day
I wrote down all the things I’d say
But I couldn’t
I just couldn’t
Baby I know that you’ve been wondering
So here goes nothing
In case you didn’t know
Baby I’m crazy ’bout you
And I would be lying if I said
That I could live this life without you
Even though I don’t tell you all the time
You had my heart a long long time ago
In case you didn’t know
The way you look tonight
That second glass of wine
That did it.
There was something ’bout that kiss
Girl it did me in
Got me thinking
I’m thinking
All of the things that I’ve been feeling
It’s time you hear ’em
In case you didn’t know
Baby I’m crazy ’bout you
And I would be lying if I said
That I could live this life without you
Even though I don’t tell you all the time
You had my heart a long long time ago
In case you didn’t know
You’ve got all of me
I belong to you
Yeah, you’re my everything