Letting Go Of Grief Rituals

“Ritual is able to hold the long-discarded shards of our stories and make them whole again. It has the strength and elasticity to contain what we cannot contain on our own, what we cannot face in solitude.”
Francis Weller, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief

A Keeping It Real Post

I’ve been thinking a lot about the rituals that we, the bereaved, create around our grief. I grew up in an Asian family. In a culture with rituals around pretty much everything, rituals around death are just part of the package.

I never met my grandfather, but he was a regular part of my life through the Buddhist memorials we would have at scheduled intervals or by visiting him at the hotokesan in my Grandmother’s bedroom. He would always get the first piece of cake or pie, so was a regular attendee at all family functions.

So I didn’t give any thought to the rituals I’d created around D’s death. At least I didn’t until I started to let them go.

Rituals Keep Us Connected

“Ritual and ceremony are powerful bonding tools. They result in a sense of community, a feeling of unity far beyond what you might expect.”
Del Suggs, Truly Leading: Lessons in Leadership

In the beginning, the rituals kept me alive and connected with the others who loved him. They helped me process the unimaginable. It went beyond wearing his hideous t-shirts and hoodies. My grief rituals became doing the things he loved even if I didn’t enjoy them. They were the daily letters I wrote to him in my journal. It was sleeping on my side of the bed, being careful not to disturb his pillows.

Then there were the bigger things like memorial golf tournaments, birthday bashes at his favorite bar, or cooking and eating his favorite meals, all of which became a way to keep him close. All of which helped keep his legacy alive and carve in stone my role as his Widow.

Those rituals also helped me feel closer to his people. I knew that I’d hear from them, at least on those days, even if they were no longer part of my daily life. (I read somewhere that many widows and widowers lose contact with their spouse’s families within the first two years of their death. Sadly, I’ve observed this to be true for many of the W’s in my life.)

I needed those rituals. I treasured and honored them, the same way I’d learned to as a child growing up Asian.

Letting Rituals Go

If you read my post on Invisibility, you already know that I was using his memory to keep people from seeing me, especially myself. At some point, I realized those grief rituals had started holding me back. They were no longer supporting and serving my healing, and it was time to let them go.

Choosing to Forget

So I did. Only I didn’t count on the fact that I’d be the only one.

A few weeks ago I crossed another item off my bucket list and saw the Foo Fighters perform in Belfast. (OMG so amazing!) I was having a great time with two of my favorite humans, and falling even more in love with Dave Grohl when my phone started buzzing. I’d received my first message of support, to get me through such a tough day, although I wouldn’t see it until the concert was over.

Say what? Had something happened back home? And then, amid my Foo induced stupor, I realized what they were talking about. It would have been the hubs’ birthday. I had forgotten.

Those of you that read my post already know I’d removed both his birthday  and our wedding anniversary from my calendar. It was NOT his birthday anymore. Last winter I decided his birthday stopped existing on July 10th, 2016 and I needed to end my annual self-flagellating-misery-fest on those dates.

I do appreciate the sentiment and concern from the people that care about me (even though they aren’t reading my weekly blog posts). And I TOTALLY get other people keeping the ritual of what would have been his birthday alive (haha, widow snark). We all grieve in our own way. But, to me, the childless widow, it was NOT his 53rd birthday. He died in his 40s. Forever young.

Marie Kondo-ing The Rituals

We all grieve in our own way. And even Marie Kondo says we can keep some things. So don’t get me wrong. I have a few grief rituals that I don’t see myself ever letting go. Only now I’m careful to be sure that I’m not keeping them out of habit, as my Grandmother did with her hotokesan.

Every July 9th you can bet on finding me at a local watering hole. You are invited to join me making my annual Marker’s Mark toast to D and all those we’ve lost along the way. Just please don’t feel the need to call me on his non-birthday, unless it’s part of your grief ritual and makes you feel better. Imma be okay.

What grief rituals do you and your family keep? Drop me a note in the comments below.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

P.S. Before my fellow bereaved rip me a new one about being a terrible wife/widow by forgetting D’s birthday, there is no judgment here. As always, I speak only for myself about my journey.

And I could never forget him. He is always with me and makes his presence known. About the same time that first message buzzed through at the Foo Fighters concert, they sang My Hero, which was one of my songs for him. At that moment it stopped raining (this was an outdoor concert in Belfast), the clouds parted, and I felt him pop in to say “Hi” and give me his blessing I was making the right move.

Post Soundtrack

My Hero, Dave Grohl

Too alarming now to talk about
Take your pictures down and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He’s ordinary
Don’t the best of them bleed it out
While the rest of them peter out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He’s ordinary
Kudos, my hero
Leaving all the best
You know my hero
The one that’s on
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He’s ordinary
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He’s ordinary

Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: DAVE GROHL / NATE MENDEL / PAT SMEAR
My Hero lyrics © Bug Music, Mj Twelve Music, Flying Earform Music, Ruthensmear Music, Emi Music Publishing France, Chappell & Co. O/B/o Level 42 Music Ltd., Bug Music O/B/o Ruthensmear Music, COPYRIGHT CONTROL (NON-HFA), PEERMUSIC III LTD, WARNER-TAMERLANE PUB OBO MJ TWELVE MUSIC, KOBALT MUSIC PUB AMERICA OBO NATE MENDEL DBA FLYING EARFORM