“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
Søren Kierkegaard
A What Not to Say Post
I had a friend tell me recently that I’d made it to the big time since my tiny little grief blog has attracted its share of trolls. Thanks to a special topic request, I finally took time to write about the judgment Widows receive when they pick up the pieces of their lives, and decide who and what they are going to be. I dedicate this post to all my W sisters who keep living life forwards.
Over the last two years, I’ve written some Reckless Truth Telling What Not To Say posts for family and friends of W’s. But sometimes the most judgmental group of all can be other widows and widowers. So this is my first What Not To Say post for my fellow W’s.
A few months ago I wrote about how the pain of grief makes us selfish. It’s also human nature to want to apply our frame of reference on everyone else. I get that. I also get that when you see someone making choices that you don’t understand, it’s easy to perceive that as a judgment on you.
It’s Not a Grief Contest
And for some people that includes taking offense at other people’s happiness. Does my happiness really hurt you or make you feel worse? Or is it just a reminder of how awful you feel? Does attacking me for moving forward make you feel better? I know it doesn’t. I also understand why you do it. It’s easier to be miserable when everyone else is, too.
Even in the depths of my grief, I never begrudged a W the happiness or peace that she was able to create for herself. I looked to these women as the symbols of hope that someday I’d get there too, even if I didn’t always believe it was possible. Their happiness was my mirror of hope, not misery.
Not gonna lie. Even though I understand where it comes from, I’ve been disgusted and horrified to see the Judgy McJudgerson attacks on other W’s. They are the ones who have reached the stage where they are ready and able to choose to move forward (never ever moving on). We should be throwing them a freaking party, not dragging them down. Can you say Patton Oswalt? My God! That man suffered the same grief we all do, but when he found love and happiness again some of his most brutal critics were W’s. What the hell ladies!?!?! I’m breaking bad with my W card and saying enough is enough.
My Happiness Isn’t Judging You
I’m really happy. I’m happier than I think I’ve ever been in my adult life. More importantly, I’m at peace. I don’t spend every waking minute thinking about Dan or what I’ve lost. I choose to spend my time looking forward and enjoying every minute of the present, being grateful for all that I’ve gained. The fact that I no longer wear my wedding ring, don’t cart around Dan’s ashes, walked away from the life we created, date, or take a leap of faith on a relationship isn’t a judgement on your choices.
Don’t Question My Love
Here’s the deal. Even if empathy didn’t come in to play, I’m too busy putting my life back together, and living it, to question your decisions or judge your grief journey. Not so long ago I was where you are. My heart aches for you because I know that pain well. And I know right now you can’t comprehend that happiness may lie ahead. I know you’re lashing out because you’re hurting and angry.
But when no one else in my life gets a pass to question my decisions, you don’t get one just because you’re a W. And questioning whether my love for Dan was real because you hate, or don’t understand, the decisions I make is WAY outta line. And you’d sure as hell better believe I WILL call you out on it. But then, instead of gorilla stomping you, I’ll sit with you and let you cry and be angry. And I’ll give you a hug and tell you I still love you.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
Got a topic you’d like addressed? Message me. Thanks for reading! XO, L
Post Soundtrack
This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud
It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said,
“I did it my way.”
I just wanna live while I’m alive
It’s my life
This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow’s getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain’t even lucky
Got to make your own breaks
It’s my life
And it’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said,
“I did it my way.”
I just want to live while I’m alive
‘Cause it’s my life
Better stand tall when they’re calling you out
Don’t bend, don’t break, baby, don’t back down
It’s my life
And it’s now or never
‘Cause I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said,
“I did it my way.”
I just want to live while I’m alive
It’s my life
And it’s now or never
‘Cause I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said,
“I did it my way.”
I just want to live while I’m alive
‘Cause it’s my life!