Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?”
-Robert Burns
My Dear W’s,
Congratulations! We did it! We survived Christmas. In case you can’t find any pride it that accomplishment, don’t worry. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of us.
New Year can be harder than Christmas
Now for the hard part. Yeah, we still have one holiday left to get through. While Thanksgiving and Christmas are all about memories and family, the New Year is a different animal. It’s about hope and planning for what lies ahead. That can make this day even more challenging since it’s a blatant (and sometimes unexpected) reminder that our futures, as we once knew them, died with our loved ones. It’s a day that forces us to acknowledge that we are in uncharted territory. It’s another cue that we are no longer in the Before, and must now navigate the After, AND do it on our own. While everyone else we know is happy about the fresh start the New Year brings, W’s are left with questions to shout into the void. Who am I now? What am I supposed to do with this life? How do I do it without him? Why?!? How?!? WTF?!?
This will be my second New Year since losing Dan, and this year I’m excited about what it holds for me. My life choices over the last year have been a blend of old and new, good-byes and hellos, and untethering from the familiar to go in search of the unknown. It’s been a year of survival. I freed myself from the past to focus on enjoying the present.
Old vs. New
But that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten the past. For the last year-and-a-half, I’ve maintained that Old Lisa died that July 10th. Well, I THINK I GOT THAT PART WRONG. She didn’t die; she just made space for New Lisa to evolve. This new me relies on the strengths of the person I used to be before I became a W. It’s taken me a long time to recognize that, because somewhere along the way I’d forgotten that I had an identity that was all mine before I ever met Dan. She didn’t disappear when we got married, so why would I expect the Lisa who was Dan’s wife to die with him? I fall back on my trusty coping mechanism to explain that one.
If he were still alive, right now Dan would be laughing and hunting for a calendar to dramatically write “Lisa was wrong” in today’s square. What a joker. I could never forget Dan or the incredible adventure we shared. He helped shape the person I am today. But I still have a lot of life left that I know he’d want me to live to the fullest. So that’s the theme for this New Year: living in the now, being optimistic about the future, while still honoring the past. Not as Old Lisa or New Lisa, just Lisa. Who, by the way, is unicorn-sparkles-optimistic about 2018.
My fellow W’s, I wish you a year full of peace and healing and Live Now moments. Cheers to discovering who we are now and to redefining our futures. Happy New Year.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.