Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.
~Douglas Coupland, Shampoo Planet
A Keeping It Real Post
Thanks for all the positive comments and feedback from last week’s post. It’s a tough topic, for sure. This is Part 2 on an exploration of Widow Lonely. Thank you to all the W’s who continue to help me work through these concepts.
Forget And Forfeit
One of the biggest dangers of the loneliness is that it makes us, the vulnerable bereaved widow, more willing to forfeit who we are and what we need, want, and deserve.
If you’ve been reading for a while, you know that I’ve said a bazillion times that I didn’t know who I was anymore. Part of the grief recovery journey is figuring out who we are in this new Widowhood reality.
If we don’t know who we are, and have neglected to find out, how can any man (or woman*) in our lives have a chance to do so? If we allow ourselves to make decisions borne from the loneliness, we are at risk of both forgetting and forfeiting who we are.
Need/Want/Deserve
And even after we figure it out, it’s far too easy to choose companionship instead of a fulfilling relationship to escape the loneliness. Are you getting why I was hesitant to write about being Widow Lonely and Widows and Dating back-to-back?
It’s all too easy to settle for the first guy to pay attention to us, even if we know it’s all wrong. Sometimes loneliness just wants to snuggle on the couch and watch mindless TV with someone so badly, that it hushes that inner voice warning you he’s not right for you. Easy vs. Right is a test of will that we all experience, W or not. And, sometimes, W’s still feel so much guilt about starting over that they unconsciously “punish” themselves by choosing the wrong guy.
The opposite of that is hiding ourselves away and keeping everyone at arms length. It’s just as easy to resign ourselves to being alone, even if it’s not what we really want, as it is to jump into a relationship we know isn’t right. Maybe even easier.
So What Do We Do?
Lean in and I’ll tell you. Closer. Okay, here it is. I have no f*ng clue. If I knew the answer I’d be screaming it from mountaintops. What I do know is that we can’t stop trying. Our grief and bereavement are unique to each of us. We all walk our own path. I’ve read, studied, meditated, and interviewed other Widow’s everywhere I go. What I’ve learned is that there is no answer. We just have to find a path that makes it easier for us to stop fearing the loneliness. When we make decisions from a fear center, that’s where we make mistakes.
Beauty In The Loneliness
Like the Douglas Coupland quote, for me it meant being by myself for a while. And that time was what I needed. I no longer fear the loneliness. I’ve found great beauty in it because I’ve trained my eyes (and heart) to look for it; even embraced it. When the loneliness wants me to forget my worth, the men in my life, my Bros, are there to remind me. And most importantly, I’ve learned to listen to my heart. At the end of the day, it’s the one voice I have to live with.
So there you have it. More random thoughts on Widow Loneliness.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
*I was recently reminded that Widows are women who have lost their spouse, and that isn’t limited to husbands. I use husband by default since that’s my story.
POST SOUNDTRACK
I met you late night, at a party
Some trust fund baby’s Brooklyn loft
By the bathroom, you said let’s talk
But my confidence is wearing off
These aren’t my people
These aren’t my friends
She grabbed my face and that’s when she said
I like that you’re broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
I like that you’re lonely
Lonely like me
I could be lonely with you
There’s something tragic, but almost pure
Think I could love you, but I’m not sure
There’s something wholesome, there’s something sweet
Tucked in your eyes that I’d love to meet
These aren’t my people
These aren’t my friends
She grabbed my face and that’s when she said
I like that you’re broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
I like that you’re lonely
Lonely like me
I could be lonely with you
Life is not a love song that we like
We’re all broken pieces floating by
Life is not a love song, we can try
To fix our broken pieces one at a time
I like that you’re broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
I like that you’re lonely
Lonely like me
I could be lonely with you
Songwriters: Christian Medice / Mitchell Collins / Samantha DeRosa
broken lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, BMG Rights Management