Reclaiming All the Colors: Project WE to ME continues in Hawai’i

Thank you to everyone who reached out to make sure I was okay. I took a few weeks off to go on a much needed holiday. XO, L

A Grief Recovery Project Post

If you’re a regular reader, you’ve heard me describe the grief recovery process as peeling back layers from an onion, an ugly grey onion. Those onion’y tears sting. They also steal the colors of life from our eyes, pushing us into a grey limbo bordered by before and after.

Onion vs. Spiral

As more time passes, I’ve started to think the grief process is actually a spiral. The grief path circles further and wider but always brings us back to the point of origin. Each time we circle back around we experience that loss differently, with new eyes and a stronger heart, both of which see the colors we lost when our husbands died. This time my spiral has brought me back to my point of origin. Literally.

Gone Girl

I’m currently in Hawai’i, the land where I was born. It was here I learned how to be a human. Hawai’i is where Dan asked me to marry him. It’s also the place I gleefully left as soon as I graduated from college. I spread my wings and never looked back. Despite my family and friends here, if it weren’t for my baby cousin’s wedding, I can’t say that I’d have returned. And that would have been a colossal mistake. While every memory I have here includes the people I’ve lost, I’d have missed out on the opportunity to make new ones that were just mine.

Home

As a military wife, HOME was wherever our orders sent us. In the last two years of my traveling nomad life, HOME was wherever my suitcase was. And while I’ve recently established a home base back in Boise, I haven’t been tied to any one place in a long time; not since I left Hawai’i all those years ago. So imagine my surprise as I stepped off the plane and had every cell in my body screaming at me that I was home. HOME!

It’s difficult to explain if you’ve never left your hometown. I’ll do my best. First, my skin and hair started smiling at the humidity. Even my lungs were breathing easier. Was that the humidity or the sweetness in the air? The melodic singsong voices made my ears happy. And I can’t wax poetic enough on how good it felt to enjoy island food again. (PRO-TIP: Never get between an island girl and her food.) But the best part was the peace and joy I felt in my bones. HOME.

Project WE to ME

Hawai’i is so vibrant it makes the rest of the world look washed out. Everywhere you look, life is set to vivid. The ocean is extra blue, the mountains extra green and the daily rainbows are just extra. Everything exudes a “no filter” kinda beautiful. I love that and was determined to treat my home state like any other place I visit, diving into the nooks and crannies of Hawai’i life. I desperately needed to remember both this place and who I was when I was a girl.

After traveling solo for the better part of two years, it was a special gift to have a dear friend join me for part of this visit. Showing her “my Hawai’i” let me see it through her eyes. I heard my long-buried accent resurface as I described growing up in this multi-cultural paradise, and enjoyed explaining the meanings of words and traditions, just like my Daddy used to when mainlanders or Japanese family would visit. I wasn’t sure if I still qualified as a kama’aina (local) or not, but it sure felt like it.

Prodigal Daughter Returns

The Hawai’ian word for family is ohana and, to quote Lilo, “Ohana means family, and family means no one is left behind or forgotten.” The absolute best part of this visit has been my friends and family, who welcomed me back with open arms as if I’d never left. To them, I’m the same, even though I’ve changed. They love me no matter what. And that love is the best color in life.

Yeah, I’m home and in full color. I think I’ll stay awhile.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Post Soundtrack

Where I’m From, Eels

Three Ghosts and I, sitting on the couch last night
Catching up on all the time
It’s been a while since we got together and
You know that it’s often on my mind

So long ago, I left it in the dust, well I was so young and dumb
Ran far away, but I have to admit, sometimes I miss where I’m from

Let’s have a drink, to everything that we went through
It wasn’t always so bad
We can’t forget, each other’s company
And all of the good times we had

So long ago, I left it in the dust, well I was so young and dumb
Ran far away, but I have to admit
Sometimes I miss where I’m from

Three ghosts and I, sitting on the couch last night
Catching up on all the time
It’s been a while since we got together and
You know that it’s often on my mind

So long ago, I left it in the dust, well I was so young and dumb
Ran far away, but I have to admit
Sometimes I miss where I’m from

Songwriters: EVERETT MARK O / SAWITZKE MICHAEL DAVID