The Real Lisa Bain

The Wandering Widow

Broken Open

Bring On The Holidays

By

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail

 

last christmas
Our last Christmas.

“What I love best about Christmas is how you made me love it again. I went from hating it, to it being my favorite. You did that. You and your mom. I didn’t think that was possible. You’re like f*ng Christmas elves. For f* sake, I’m wearing GD Christmas jammies and our house looks like the North Pole.

I love you for that.”

~Dan Bain

A Grief Recovery Project Post

If you’ve been following my adventures this summer, you know I worked diligently to reclaim the spaces and places that used to be WE and make them all about ME. I didn’t let mixed results stop me from forging onwards with this particular GRP.

Fast forward to the dreaded holiday season. I’m back in the US and ready to face this demon head on. After two years of not celebrating the holidays, this is my year. I figured if I don’t do it now, I’ll never celebrate them again. And I used to give Mrs. Claus a run for the money, so I’m putting my big girl Christmas panties on and doing it.

A Holiday Fuster Cluck

For new readers, it may help to understand why this time of year is so emotional and hard. It’s not just the festive cheer all around, which is brutal on the bereaved. For me, it’s also the cluster bomb of milestones: Dad’s deathiversary, my birthday, Thanksgiving, what would have been our wedding anniversary, Christmas and New Year’s. Yep. Welcome to my six weeks of WTF, which this year I will face head-on, mostly sober, and with Christmas jammies.

Not gonna lie, I’m a bit terrified about this holiday season, which has already gotten off to a pretty rough start. But if there were a blinged out Scout’s badge for grief preparedness, I’d have it. That’s right folks, I have a plan. I’ve got proactive appointments scheduled with my grief counselor, and lots of activities planned outside in the sunshine. Never underestimate the power of exercise and vitamin D to help you power through Christmas carols and tinsel and other Holly Jolly bull$hit festivities.

Santa’s Helper

Santa Claus
Santa approved of my plan to make the holidays my bitch. My language…not so much.

I’ve also got the people I love most in the world watching my back. My knight-in-shining-armor will be by my side, holding my hand and sharing all the magic with me. He may only be two years old, but he’s been my bright light in the darkness from the minute he was born. I know, that’s a lot of pressure to put on a wee babe, but when I was at my lowest point, he was the reason I chose to stay. I couldn’t bear to be the cause of his mom having to someday explain why his Aunty Pirate bailed on this life.

But I digress. His joy about EVERYTHING is contagious. And I’m grateful to get to have this time with him. If anyone can help me rediscover the magic of Christmas, it’s him; my sweet prince who showers me with FaceTime kisses when I’m far away, and hangs on to my leg and says, “No, Aunty Lisa,” every time I have to leave.

Thanks, baby boy. Aunty Pirate loves you. Now, off to shop for Christmas jammies and whatever the hot gifts are for 2-year-old boys. Is it too soon to buy him a car?

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

For those of you who are new to this W life, it’s okay to opt out of the holidays and just take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. And while it won’t feel like it, remember you aren’t alone on this grief journey. XO, L 

POST SOUNDTRACK

I’ll be Home For Christmas, Bing Crosby

I’ll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the lovelight gleams
I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams

Songwriters: Buck Ram / Kim Gannon / Walter Kent

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Limitless (A Grief Recovery Project Birthday Post)

By

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail

 

When no possessions keep us,
when no countries contain us,
and no time detains us,
man becomes a heroic wanderer,
and woman, a wanderess.
Roman Payne

A Grief Recovery Project Post

Reflecting on the last year. Looking ahead to the new journey. p/c Clodagh FitzGerald (North Channel between Ireland and Scotland)

As I sit in yet another airport, staring down the barrel of another birthday on this spaceship we call Earth, I’m taking time to reflect on the last year. After my short hiatus back home this summer, I’m finally wrapping up my Eat-Pray-Love year in Europe. Now I begin the transition into a new phase of this journey, and I’m grateful for the sense of closure and peace these last few months have brought me. 

I guess it’s appropriate that I’m returning home just in time for my birthday. I don’t dread birthdays anymore. These days I celebrate them. I know too many people who would have given anything to have had another one, including Dan, Dave, Bill, Jeff, Brian, Tom, John, and so many more we’ve lost along the way.

Sometimes people get confused. Because I blog about grief and bereavement issues they assume I’m sad and depressed. Not so! I’m truly happy. I love my life; it’s a f*ng amazing life, and I’m grateful for every minute of it. So here’s my year in review. Happy Birthday. XO, L

You’ll never hit the ball if you don’t swing the bat.

When I was in sales and sales coaching, this was one of my favorite quotes. And at the time, I believed I always swung the bat. That’s funny now. Hilarious, even. I had no idea that I’d set so many boundaries on myself, most starting with the words, I can’t, I shouldn’t, or I won’t. I’d never have dreamed that this quote would play such a big role in my life AD (After Dan).

When the pain of grief overwhelms your ability to breathe, it’s only too easy to curl up into a ball and hide from life. I vaguely remember the days and weeks I couldn’t get out of bed, or off the couch, and spent months not leaving the safety of my house. I can’t accompanied each breath I took. Without realizing it, I’d created my own prison and placed myself under house arrest. I’d set so many boundaries, I was barely existing. Living life wasn’t even on my radar anymore. So much for Live Now, huh?

When I finally broke myself out, I set out on my biggest Grief Recovery Project yet: long-term solo travel around the globe. I was both running away, and running towards, something I couldn’t yet identify. But I swung the bat and hit a home run. I learned a lot while I was away, probably more than I could ever hope to write about, but here’s my short version.

What I’ve Learned

No boundaries, no expectations. p/c: Kristin Caldwell (Toledo, Spain)

I’ve learned a lot about the world. No matter where we are, or what our histories and cultures may be, at the end of the day we are all the same. We are human beings with the same needs, concerns, and desires. We all want to be valued, to contribute, to be free, and to be loved. I’ve learned what a large place our planet is, and how incredibly tiny we are as individuals. But even as small individuals we can still make a huge difference to the good or the bad. It’s all up to us, and I choose the good.

In the last year, I’ve learned how to be by myself. I’ve learned how to take risks and how to take care of myself when things don’t go as planned. I’ve faced my fears and come out on top, even if I reached the summit with a few bruises and a fractured maxilla to show for it.

And I’ve learned about this new Lisa: the strong, fun-loving adventurer who loves being around people as much as she enjoys solitude. This Lisa loves music and dancing,  and doesn’t care who may be watching. And surprise, she turns out to be a nature girl (somewhere Dan is laughing his a$$ off at that) who loves to wander and enjoys getting lost (the rest of my inner circle can stop laughing at that one). This Lisa learned to be less guarded and trust her heart, taking 100% of the shots, even if sometimes she strikes out. (Or gets hit in the face with a fastball. Tomayto-Tomahto.)

The One Thing

But if I had to identify the most important lesson I’ve learned on this journey, it would be to stop applying limitations and boundaries on myself. No boundaries-No expectations has become my daily mantra. I’ve done things I NEVER thought I could, should, or would do. I’ve seen things I NEVER knew existed. And I’ve conquered the fears I NEVER thought possible to overcome. I’ve learned I like this person I’ve grown into that I NEVER thought could, should, or would exist. And I’ve found love, happiness, and peace, things I feared would NEVER be in my life again.

It took a long time to get here. And it hurt like a @#$%^&*! But cutting those boundaries loose freed me to live without limits. And lemme tell you, as scary as it is, it’s worth it. So get out there and live your Limitless life. I dare you. No boundaries, no expectations, just living life in the moment. This moment. Limitless.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

POST SOUNDTRACK

The Road Less Traveled, Lauren Alaina

Why do you keep on staring?
That mirror, mirror, it ain’t fair at all
Dress sizes can’t define, don’t let the world decide what’s beautiful
You won’t make yourself a name if you follow the rules
History gets made when you’re acting a fool
So don’t hold it back and just run it
Show what you got and just own it
No, they can’t tear you apart

If you trust your rebel heart, ride it into battle
Don’t be afraid, take the road less traveled
Wear out your boots and kick up the gravel
Don’t be afraid, take the road less traveled on

Don’t follow anyone
March to the rhythm of a different drum
Why do we analyze, break out, and criticize the crazy ones?
You won’t make yourself a name if you follow the rules
History gets made when you’re acting a fool
So don’t hold it back and just run it
Show what you got and just own it
No, they can’t tear you apart, no

If you trust your rebel heart, ride it into battle
Don’t be afraid, take the road less traveled
Wear out your boots and kick up the gravel
Don’t be afraid, take the road less traveled on

Take the road less traveled on
Put your hands up, show me that you’re one of a kind
Put your hands up, let me hear your voice tonight

If you trust your rebel heart, ride it into battle
Don’t be afraid, take the road less traveled
Wear out your boots and kick up the gravel
Don’t be afraid, take the road less traveled on

Songwriters: Lauren Alaina / Jesse Frasure / Meghan Trainor
Road Less Traveled lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Living A Triple Helix Life

By

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail

A Keeping It Real Post

Earlier this year I was talking with one of my best guy friends about how I’m doing. We chatted about life, love and the universe. We talked about Dan, and what he might think about my life today; the adventures I have, the people I meet, and the choices I make. It’s an ever evolving conversation.

Concerned, my Bro asked if I felt guilty about feeling happy and moving forward with my life. I assured him I was living life guilt free, and had Dan to thank for that. Dan taught me many things over the years. He taught me how to shoot, the best ways to clean a gun, about NASCAR and NASA, military tactical strategy, how to eat ravioli from a can when camping, and how to love deep down to the soul. But the most important lesson he gave me was how to live life to the fullest, without apology.

I miss him every day, but love my life. It’s been hard to reconcile the two at times, but I eventually came to think of it as a Double Helix. They exist intertwined with each other and are equally important to my whole. Loving what we had, and loving what I have now, aren’t mutually exclusive. But it took a long time for me to heal enough to realize that. Grief is a bitch. So is survivor guilt.

Rocking my Triple Helix Life on Ballygally Beach, Ireland.

So there I was comfortably coasting along in my Double Helix metaphor, hanging out in the past and the present. I was having an overall good time but still refused to think about the future.

Ever notice how the universe has a funny way of pushing us forward even if we don’t want it to? About the time I began acknowledging what I might want in my future, I made a new friend who likes to talk about the Triple Helix, a common  description used for the point where government, industry, and academia intersect for the benefit of innovation and development. I’d never really thought about one before, but it fit this new phase of my life like a missing puzzle piece, and I quickly appropriated it.

I’ve always been a silver-lining kinda girl, but optimism disappeared from my life when the words Stage Four Terminal Cancer came crashing into my universe. But that positive outlook is back! I’ve missed it, and now see optimism about the future as that third strand in my helix. Together, all three make up my story. Together, my triple helix becomes my beginning.

So now I’m living a Triple Helix Life. I even Googled it so I could get a clear visual and realized it’s an image that I’ve seen my whole life, only in cross-section; the mighty triquetra or triskelion. You know how happy I am when I can connect anything back to Ireland, but variations of this image can be found in cultures around the world, including in Japan, which is where I first encountered it as a child.

The triple helix is symbolic of wholeness. It can represent the Past-Present-Future; the Holy Trinity; and the unity of body, mind, and spirit. Whatever it means for you, I hope you’ll find your Triple Helix Life too.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce

Post Soundtrack

THIS IS THE BEGINNING, BOY

Open the boxes, unpack what you own
Hang up some posters and make this a home
Walk down the stairs and open the door
Look at the things you’ve never seen before

This is the beginning, of anything you want
This is the beginning

Get on the buses, learn numbers and names
Your eyes are the camera, your heart is the frame
Hum a new song as you walk down the streets
Soon they’ll be full with friends and memories

This is the beginning, of anything you want
This is the beginning

Written by: PHILIPP STEINKE, SONJA GLASS, VALESKA ANNA STEINER
Lyrics © THE BICYCLE MUSIC COMPANY

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail

Re-Grieving With Each New Loss

By

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail

A Keeping It Real Post

Have you ever had an injury that had mostly healed and then, because it was already weak, it was easily re-injured? It was quicker to hurt and it instantly took you back to the original injury. The same is true with bereavement. Re-Grieving is the sucker punch that hits you at your weakest point, no matter how much healing has occurred.

Re-Grieving

Re-Grieving hits you where you already hurt. (p/c Pixabay)

What is Re-Grief? It’s when dealing with a new loss forces you to relive the loss of your husband. It’s the ultimate double-whammy. I spent a lot of time thinking about Re-Grieving this summer. I had a front row seat as a friend, and fellow W, went through the process all over again with the death of another family member. It was brutal and painful to witness. Her re-grief hit me, too, and it hurt.

Maybe it’s because every cell in our bodies remembers the pain all too clearly. Maybe it’s because our ability to love and empathize with others is sharper and more in focus. Maybe it’s because, like that old injury, we’re weaker in that spot. Who knows. All I know is it was all too easy to feel myself falling into the spiral of Re-Grief, even when it wasn’t mine.

Well, last week it was all mine. I learned of the loss of one of my childhood friends. I wasn’t alone when I got the news, but was on the other side of the planet. We had lost touch over the years, re-connected only by the easy access of social media, but it bitch-slapped me. And I was unprepared for how much it hurt. Like that old ankle injury screaming at me when I stepped into an invisible cow hole in the bog (yeah, it’s a thing) while hiking in the Scottish Highlands last year, the news ripped at the scars of my grief.

Grieving Together

But, just like re-injuring my ankle, I knew what to do this time, which helped to speed up the healing process. Because I’ve learned to give myself permission to feel the feelings, I just excused myself and went to my room to have a good cry. No reason to let my grief spill out on my friends. But damn, it felt so lonely.

Icing and ibuprofen won’t help with Re-Grief, but having a grief buddy does. I was desperate to connect with another human who had known her. So I picked up the phone and called our mutual friend whose insomnia wouldn’t be insulted by the time difference, so we could cling together in the shock of losing “one of us.” My heart broke for her mom, her husband, and everyone else left behind. I know their pain. My grief buddy let me sob it out. That long-distance hug made all the difference.

If you’re a regular reader, you already know how lonely grief is. Somehow sharing it with someone else makes it a little less isolating. Somehow, in the pain, we are reminded that we are still alive and not alone, no matter how lonely it is. It’s why we reach out to others after a disaster or tragedy. We feel the intense need to connect with another person who knows and understands what we’re feeling.

The Opposite of Lonely

Not really sure what I was going for here, just my random thoughts on Re-Grieving as I mourn another life taken too soon. As for the loneliness of bereavement, it will always be there, but the universe has a way of making sure I have what I need. Later that same evening, my favorite twelve year-old came bounding over to give me a hug. He didn’t know anything about what had happened that afternoon, but somehow knew I needed one. And maybe that’s the answer to it all, finding that connection with another human to remind us that, no matter what, we aren’t alone. Grief is universal. But so is love.  I’m not sure how to describe how that hug made me feel, but for now I’ll go with the opposite of lonely.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Happy Birthday, Yoko. I’ll be forever grateful that you were part of my story, and some of my best memories. Thank you for sharing your light with the rest of us. 

POST SOUNDTRACK

Alone Together, Joe Williams

Alone together, beyond the crowd
Above the world
We’re not too proud to cling together
We’re strong as long as we’re together

Alone together, the blinding rain
The starless nights were not in vain
For we’re together
And what is there to fear together?

Our love is as deep as the sea
Our love is as great as a love can be
And we can weather the great unknown
If we’re alone together, together, together
If we’re alone together

Written by: ARTHUR SCHWARTZ, HOWARD DIETZ
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., CARLIN AMERICA INC

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail

I’m Concerned- Widows and Dating Part Four

By

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail

A Keeping It Real Post

Caution. Think carefully before you head down this path. (Amstelveen)

After my What Not to Say Post about not questioning your W’s decision to date, I got some questions about how to handle it if you believed your W was in “danger” of being taken advantage of.

The basic scenario consisted of concerned friends who were watching their W “rush into” a relationship. They didn’t want to risk their friendship and weren’t sure how to proceed, but they really were afraid their W was vulnerable and at risk.

Ooooohhhhh boy. Tough one. W’s are vulnerable. And you’ve been there with her through the worst of the loss and the grief. Now alarm bells are ringing for you. As someone who has been on the receiving end of that feedback, and had friendships permanently damaged because of how it was handled, I know the risk you are taking in bringing it up. I also appreciate the fact you care about her.

It didn’t feel right to tackle this one on my own, so I reached out to my W Tribe for their feedback. If it makes you feel better, we often look at our fellow W’s dating choices and feel the same concerns you do.

Suggestions From the W Club

WTF?! If they think she’s in danger, they should have a background check done on him.

The concern is appreciated since we know widow hunters are real. Don’t bring it up from the dating perspective, but the self-protection perspective.

I would have loved someone asking me how I felt, how I wanted to be treated, what kind of relationship I wanted to be in…and how does this relationship make me feel. Ask her what she feels. Make it about her. We want to be seen and validated. When that happens, the W won’t feel so defensive with anyone approaching her about her dating or for that matter any decisions/actions she is taking. It’s when others make it about themselves that we become defensive.

What Not To Say

WTF? Seriously, is there someone who isn’t ME who is better able to judge when I am ready to make decisions for ME?”

This was just one response to my posted query, along with several variations of OMG tell them to f*k off! So the risk of totally alienating your W is legit, and why taking time to develop your approach is a good idea.

And if you get to lie next to your still alive husband every night, tread carefully and avoid the following unless you really want to hear your W’s voice go up four octaves as she shrills at you to F*k off.

  • When your W tells you that she’s been alone a long time, don’t tell her, “I’m sure it seems that way to you.”
  • Don’t chastise her for “not trying hard enough.”
  • If/When she gets her heart broken, don’t scold her for re-grieving. Tell her you’re proud of her for taking the chance and putting herself out there.
  • And for the love of all that is holy, don’t tell her she’s settling, reference her not being in her right mind, or anything remotely close to that.

This is where my Bros do it right. They pause, tell me I deserve to be happy, and that they want the best for me. They let me know they’ll always worry about me because they care, and that they’ll always be in my corner. These are the guys that, from the minute I started dating again, have told me to act like a dude when it comes to men. So when they hesitate, it makes me take a breath and re-examine the situation. Sometimes I proceed. Sometimes I change my mind. No matter what, I never doubt they’ve got my back.

Thank You

And in case you didn’t get it at the start, thank you. Thank you for caring about your W enough to want to approach her with your concerns. Thank you for valuing your friendship enough to not want to break it. Thanks for being there with her as she continues on this journey.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow.
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Post Soundtrack

Danger, Vic Dana

Your arms reach out for me
And something deep inside me
Seems to say (danger)

My friends all tell me
You will break my heart
But I can’t stay away (danger)

For when we kiss
I know that this is where
I always want to be

Yet when you look at me
There’s something in your eyes
That seems to warn me

And I see danger, danger
Danger, danger in your eyes
There’s danger, danger
Danger, danger
My heart cries, I know
I know that I should stay away

But when you smile at me
The danger disappears
And when you’re close to me
I have no doubts or fears

Oh, darling, should I stay
Or should I run away

I guess that I could leave
And find someone whose love
I’d never doubt (danger)

But that could never be
For you’re the one
I just can’t live without (danger)

But still the danger’s there
And should you break my heart
I’ll take the blame

Although there’s danger
And my heart’s in danger
When I play the game

And I see danger, danger
Danger, danger in your eyes
There’s danger, danger
Danger, danger
My heart cries, I know
I know that I should stay away

But when you smile at me
The danger disappears
And when you’re close to me
I have no doubts or fears

Oh, darling, should I stay
Or should I run away
Written by: BOB BECKHAM, JAMES E. BUZZ CASON

Facebooktwittergoogle_pluspinterestlinkedintumblrmail