New Widows

A Coping With Grief Post

“Whichever path you choose, always know how to quit this path, always know where the exit is because once realised that the path is wrong, it has to be left immediately!”
Mehmet Murat ildan

One of the worst surprises of the grief process was the arrival of social anxiety. I went from an active social life to barely able to leave my house, even when it was for family events. Being around other people in social situations was overwhelming, terrifying, and miserable. I lost count of the occasions where I’d find myself dressed and in the car ready to go to an event, then crying hysterically and hyperventilating, before finally giving up and going back to bed.

If you’ve been reading for awhile, you know I tried almost everything to get over this part of grief: pharmaceuticals, counseling, hypnotherapy, the works. Here are my top tips for new Widows dealing with social anxiety.

Tip #1 Don’t Go

Give yourself permission not to go. It may be too soon. You may feel obligated, but never forget you’re obligated to yourself first and foremost. That includes skipping weddings, funerals, birthday parties, the holidays, or whatever makes you feel awful.

Tip #2 Go

Go anyway, but give yourself permission to leave after one minute if you need to. This was the best advice my hypnotherapist gave me, and one I exercised regularly. It didn’t matter if it was a milestone birthday, anniversary party or wedding, I bailed as soon as I felt myself starting to hyperventilate or cry. The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention away from the guests of honor. I found people would argue with me about leaving, so got really good at ghosting, a social trend I used to find annoying and rude.

Tip #3 Communicate

Communicate with your family and friends about what to expect (share this link if that’s easier). It’s okay to forewarn them that you’re going to attend, but that you may leave early if it gets too hard. Explain that you love them but respect them too much to take the attention away from them if you have a full meltdown. If they argue with you about it before you even get there, put your PJs back on, order a pizza and a movie and stay home. No one is worth that kind of pressure on your grief-induced social anxiety. No one.

When Dan’s step-son and his beautiful bride got married, I let them know I would probably not make it. It was right around the one-year deathiversary milestone and I was a wreck. They were disappointed but loved me anyway. No pressure. (OMG I love them so much!) On the big day, I managed to get myself dressed and to their wedding reception. I made it a whole 20 minutes before I felt myself starting to meltdown. No way was I going to make myself the center of attention, so I snuck out and bawled all the way home. But YAY ME! for going.

Tip #4 Brace Yourself

No matter what they say, or how enlightened they think they are, you’re going to get THE LOOK. You know, the one of pity and sadness. They don’t know they’re doing it (the older they are the worse it gets, but young people do it too). Just try to ignore it. Or, remember you gave yourself permission to leave at any time and turn around and walk out the door. Be sure to congratulate yourself for making it +1 minutes, because that is pretty bada$$ for W’s in our situation.

Tip #5 Exit Strategy

Have an exit strategy. I talk to a lot of other Widows about their exit strategies, and driving yourself is a favorite. There is nothing worse than going to an event with someone, needing to leave, and then they aren’t ready to go. I personally like rideshare apps like Uber or Lyft, or just calling a taxi. It’s a lot better to pay for a cab than losing a friend or harboring resentment that they let you down and wouldn’t support your need to leave.

And part of having an exit strategy is not volunteering to host. There is no graceful way to exit if everyone is at your home. I hosted my first family dinner six months after Dan died. Knowing it had the potential to be rough, especially since I’d just opted out of all holiday functions, I warned my family that if I disappeared, not to look for me. They were to carry on, stay as long as they wanted, and lock the door behind them. Somehow knowing I had an out was what my social anxiety needed to let me have a nice time and I didn’t need to hide away.

No matter what, be kind to yourself.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Post Soundtrack

Runaway, Bon Jovi

On the street where you live girls talk about their social lives
They’re made of lipstick, plastic and paint, a touch of sable in their eyes
All your life, all your life all you’ve asked when’s your daddy gonna talk to you
But you were living in another world tryin’ to get your message through.

No one heard a single word you said.
They should have seen it in your eyes
What was going around your head.

Ooh, she’s a little runaway.
Daddy’s girl learned fast
All those things he couldn’t say.
Ooh, she’s a little runaway.