The Real Lisa Bain

The Wandering Widow

Trauma

How To Table For One W Style

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A Coping With Grief Post

A fellow W and I were chatting recently about how tough it can be to get used to doing things on our own. Alone. Things like dining out, going to movies, life activities in general, are all designed to be completed in pairs or groups. As someone who has traveled the globe solo, and has a few W years under my belt, I’ve learned a few coping mechanisms to the occasional awkwardness that comes from leaving my cave all by my lonesome.

Look good-Feel good

This motto doesn’t just work for cancer patients, it works for the bereaved who are heading out for a Table for One experience. Not gonna lie, I’ve had my share of ballcap-ponytail-no make-up wearing-hoodie kinda days, but if you’re already hesitant about going out alone you’ll feel more confident if you’ve at least showered and combed your hair.

Make a reservation

If you’re going to treat yourself to a nice meal, reserving a table can help you get better service. (I’ve found this to be especially true in Europe, where women dining alone are often confused with prostitutes. WTF Europe!) Where was I? Oh yes, reserve a table. I always ask for the best table in the house (nobody puts Baby in a corner!), especially if there is a view. Tell them it’s a special occasion, dress for the experience and tip well.

Own It

Table For One?

Sister, walk in like you own the place, head held high. Easier said than done, I know. I keep threatening to go out in a black dress and veil, but so far that black-belt level of widow snark hasn’t happened yet. I promise to get photos if it does.

And the Oscar Goes To…

One way of getting over the fear of Table For One is trying on a different persona for the company. Here are my three favorites.

1. Writer

I admit this isn’t my most creative option since I am a writer. It’s still fun. I create backstories for the people around me. It keeps me from staring at my phone the whole time. Coffee shops, pubs, restaurants, you name it. If you’ve been one of the people to catch me watching you, oopsie. I promise I’m not a stalker, just a writer. The Scots and the Dutch are my favorites for this pastime, but it works universally. Who knows? You may have ended up in one of my stories. And it doesn’t even matter if I don’t speak your language, I’ll just make up an interesting translation to whatever conversation you may be having.

2. Jane Goodall

In this case, I’m studying you. I use this a lot when I’m traveling. I find the way people do things fascinating. The hundreds of nuances that make up the differences (and similarities) between us are all carefully cataloged for later study. What do I mean? How men and women interact. Or how the young speak to the old. How you pour your coffee, the colors and fashion you wear, and whether or not you smile easily or make eye contact with me. National Geographic hasn’t called me to report for them yet, but I’m ready just in case.

3. International Woman of Mystery

Lisa Bain, International Woman of Mystery. (p/c Erin Blackwell)

This one makes me laugh the most, so it should come as no surprise it’s my favorite. It can sometimes be awkward to walk into a restaurant alone, especially if you are the only solo in a sea of couples. Increase the awkward factor by 1000 when it’s a fine dining establishment.

Here’s where I break bad with my mad theater skills (my Drama 101 professor would be so proud), and I suddenly become Lisa Bain, International Woman of Mystery. Move over Austin Powers. I don’t need an ascot; I have an LBD and heels. It’s easier to get over feeling uncomfortable if you tell yourself everyone is trying to figure out if they should know who you are, and wishing they were as cool and mysterious and probably hanging out with rock stars and astronauts on the weekends, or whatever International Women of Mystery do with their free time.

Laughter is the best medicine

I figure if I’m going to go out alone, I may as well laugh and have fun with it. And you know what? I’ve cried more than enough tears for this lifetime, so take it from me, laughing is the better option. Fortunately, I find myself hilarious, so it’s not difficult. You can laugh too. At me. With me. It really doesn’t matter. Just laugh.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

POST SOUNDTRACK

Mysterious Woman, Marc Roberts (lyrics John Farry)

Mysterious woman
I saw you at an airport
Ticket in your hand
I got a feeling in my heart
I didn’t understand

Something in the way you were
Something foreign in your eyes
Made me wish that I could share
One moment of your life

Mysterious woman
I wonder, did you see
The kind of spell you put on me?
Mysterious woman
I wish I could find the key
To the kind of spell you put on me

The room was full of faces
But you stood out from the crowd
People going places
Far away beyond the clouds
Were you from the streets of Paris
Or the coast of Italy?
Or were you from as far away
As the gulf of Araby?

Mysterious woman
I wonder, did you see
The kind of spell you put on me?
Mysterious woman
I wish I could find the key
To the kind of spell you put on me

Did I imagine you smiled
Or were my thoughts going wild?

Suddenly you were going
The speaker called your plane
There was no way of knowing
If I’d ever see you again

But this brief, so brief encounter
Will always stay with me
I will always treasure
The bittersweet memory

Mysterious woman
I wonder, did you see
The kind of spell you put on me?
Mysterious woman
It’ll always be a mystery
The kind of spell you put on me

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Welcome Sleep Back Into Your Life After A Loss

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A guest post by Sara Bailey of thewidow.net.

I’ve struggled with insomnia and sleep issues since the hubs died, and can personally relate to everything Sara says here. Self-care is critically important, and lack of sleep impacts more than just our cognitive processing. I hope you find her tips as helpful as I did.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Sleep-After-Loss
p/c Pixabay

Welcome Sleep Back Into Your Life After A Loss

Insomnia is a common problem for those who’ve lost a spouse as they toss and turn throughout the night, grappling with intense emotions of anger, grief, and fear. Moreover, that lack of sleep can lead to more serious health problems, such as a weakened immune system, high blood pressure, and an increased risk of diabetes.

It’s time to put an end to this with self-care. Practicing good self-care means focusing on your well-being through eating well, exercising, and finding ways to relax before bed. Here’s a closer look at what you need to do.

Address Your Diet

There are a number of foods to avoid, particularly chocolate or anything else with too much caffeine or sugar, which should never be eaten in the evening or late afternoon. The same goes for items high in fat, such as burgers and pizza, which could cause indigestion. Instead, have a dinner rich in vegetables, lean protein, and whole grains.

Get More Exercise

Physical activity relieves stress while raising your body temperature. When it drops back down, that signals to your mind that it’s time to relax so you remain calm throughout the day and into the later hours. How you break a sweat depends on what you enjoy; for example, you could go for an early morning run or take a spinning class in the evening. Here’s the important part: The more you enjoy the activity, the more you’re likely to repeat it.

Form a Routine

This is crucial for ensuring you get to enough quality sleep regularly rather than slipping back into unhealthy patterns after a few days. Set a regular bedtime and stick to it, even on the weekends, so your body maintains a healthy circadian rhythm. To help things along, schedule relaxing activities in the evening to make sure you’re drowsy when the lights go out.

Take an Evening Shower

A nice shower is definitely one thing you should add to that evening schedule. Dowsing your body with warm water has a similar effect as exercising: Your body heats up and then cools down again, slowing your heartbeat and breathing rate, explains a writer with Lifehacker. This tells your body it’s time for sleep.

Drink an Infusion

However, going to bed right after a hot shower isn’t a great idea. As mentioned, your body needs at least 90 minutes to cool down, so use that time to drink an herbal infusion. Chamomile, Linden, or rosemary will delight your taste buds while also soothing your mind.

Pick Up a Book

According to a scientist speaking with Elite Daily, it takes only six minutes of reading for significant relaxation, thus preparing you for a night of restful slumber. It’s a major antidote to stress and a wonderful addition to the evening routine you’re crafting.

Tune Out

Now to address what you shouldn’t do in the evening. Besides the aforementioned caffeine and sugar, say “no” to digital devices such as your smartphone and laptop. They emit a constant stream of blue light that mimics the effects of the sun when you’re supposed to be dozing off. Besides, you’ve got a good book to read anyway.

Change Your Mattress

The mattress you’re sleeping on may be a little too old or does not match your sleeping position. There are four basic types: innerspring, memory foam, latex, and airbed. If you lie on your side to fall asleep, then memory foam would be the best, whereas innerspring and airbed serve better for stomach sleepers. Find what works best for you.

Explore Different Sleep Technologies

If you’re going to change the mattress, go one step further and look into gadgets that could help you successfully drift off to sleep. Stay away from products whose claim to fame isn’t backed by sound scientific research. What might work is an alarm clock that also emits sleep-inducing light and sound to send you off to dreamland.

Hopefully, these tips should have you dozing off soon enough so you can avoid the worst consequences of insomnia and get back some of that youthful energy you need to forge ahead. Good luck — and sweet dreams.

 

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When the Post Funeral Invitations Stop (AKA I Invited Myself)

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A Friends and Family Post

It’s funny how every time I say I’m taking time off from the blog, something comes up that makes my fingers itch to tap out a post. So that’s where I’m at today, sitting here trying to consolidate all the conversations I’ve had lately with my W friends about how lonely the holidays were. I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, but this seemed like a good reminder for the year ahead.

We know we keep turning you down

raising-my-hand
I’m guilty of it too.

In the first season after our husband’s die, we are inundated with invitations. Sometimes we take you up on them. Sometimes we don’t. After repeated rejections, people just quit asking. This is me, sitting in my coffee shop office, raising my hand to claim ownership of this behavior. But I want you to know how much it means to me that you haven’t forgotten me, and haven’t stopped asking. Well, at least those of you who haven’t stopped.

Please continue to invite us anyway

I got a text from a friend recently asking how I was, with a final sentence of, “I think you are always busy, right?” I had to laugh. I’d just got done telling my grief counselor, not fifteen minutes earlier, how lonely it’s been since I returned home. And that, with a few stalwart exceptions, I no longer get invitations from non-Widows.

I fully acknowledge that I have a bad track record of accepting invitations and then not showing up. These days it’s not because I’m afraid I’m going to cry, or grief, all over your event. Usually, it’s just that the energy required to be charming and festive with so many people at one time is overwhelming.

For example, at Thanksgiving, a holiday I was excited enough about to actually cook for, the convo turned to children with terminal cancer and cadavers. Cadavers! WTAF! At that point, I dove face first into the wine bottle(s), which resulted in my getting a titch mouthy and my sister taking the can of whipped cream out of my hands. Err, that’s a story for another day. But I hope you can understand why I’m still a bit gunshy about larger events. And before you freak out, it wasn’t my family who brought up those topics, but other people who just didn’t know any better. People-y events can be SO hard!

What we hear

Regardless of whether we show up or not, or hide out in the kitchen doing the dishes while we’re there, please know what we hear when you extend the invitation:

  • You still matter
  • You are still loved
  • I/We haven’t forgotten you, or him, or any of what happened
  • You aren’t a burden
  • YOU AREN’T ALONE IN THIS WORLD, EVEN IF YOU ARE DOING THIS LIFE ALONE

The truth is, the more time passes since he died, the more we need those invitations. We may actually be ready to take you up on them now, and they may be the trick to helping us reintegrate into non-W social events.

Time to Speak Up

But back to the “you must be busy” line. After a while, we the Bereaved, need to try and raise our hands and let those closest to us know what we need. After letting myself go to the Dark Side, bemoaning how those closest to me had abandoned me, I realized that I was expecting them to be mind readers. (Somewhere, Dan is laughing and commiserating with you.) So I broke every Japanese etiquette rule and invited myself to Thanksgiving and Christmas. That was hard, and that was with my family!

My buddy, Gerald, and I have a running joke that I’m going to get a shirt made that proclaims with glittery pride, I invited myself! And I AM proud of that. Asking for help and sharing what you need is vulnerable and can be both painful and difficult. Let me know if you do it, you can join my T-shirt club.

So cheers to a happy, healthy, invitation filled New Year, even if you have to invite yourself.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

PS: If you invite me and have wine, pumpkin pie, and insensitive conversations, my sisters beg you to hide the can of whipped cream. Whatever.

Post Soundtrack

Don’t You (Forget About Me)
Simple Minds

Won’t you come see about me?
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love’s strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on
Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don’t you, forget about me
Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me.

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down
Will you recognize me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Don’t you try and pretend
It’s my feeling we’ll win in the end
I won’t harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security
Don’t you forget about me
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Going to take you apart
I’ll put us back together at heart, baby
Don’t you, forget about me
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away
Or will you walk away?
Come on, call my name
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by

Songwriters: Keith Forsey / Steve W. Schiff
Don’t You (Forget About Me) lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

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Set Your Intentions

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“Such a simple concept, yet so true: that which we manifest is before us; we are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves.”
Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain

A Grief Recovery Project Post

Sometimes the Universe just slaps me upside my stubborn head until I learn the lesson it has assigned. Case in point: setting intentions. You remember my two weeks of hell in November, the ones that kick off the six-week holiday season? Well, they were an ass-kicker. I’m talking brutal lows that I haven’t felt in two years.

Setting Intentions

But it was pointed out to me, by someone I love and trust, that they were awful because I willed them to be so. Ummm, excuse me? I did no such thing. But the minute I started to get defensive, I realized the truth in what he was saying. Son of a biscuit eater! I DID will them to be awful, because I said they were going to be awful. I even call them my two weeks of hell! (Note to self: find a new description for this time period, stat!)

I can laugh about it now, but I actually hit a low point that had my finger hovering over the “confirm ticket” button on a flight back to Ireland. I knew that wouldn’t solve my problems, so stayed right where I was, but it sure was tempting. Instead, I chose the harder option and I adjusted my mindset about the looming Christmas holiday. I decided it would be whatever it would be, and I’d deal with it accordingly. Good or bad.

I Forgot

Somewhere along the way, my “No Boundaries, No Expectations” mantra must’ve fallen out of my suitcase on my way back to the US, because I instantly set all kinds of expectations the minute I got home. Including for the six-week milestone season I’d been dreading.

Christmas-Jammies
How can you not have Christmas Magic with family, lights, hot cocoa and matching Christmas jammies?

A Christmas Miracle

So how was Christmas? It was AMAZING! Major props go to Baby Sister for working overtime to make it extra special, but I could totally have screwed it up if I’d have set the intention it was going to be sad, painful and lonely without Dan. Instead, I set the intention that it was going to be whatever it would be, and I couldn’t wait to see what that was.

To my fellow bereaved, this isn’t a judgment on feeling the feelings of grief. Instead, it’s a reminder of how easy it is to get stuck, and how powerful our minds are when we tell them what to expect. I would have been equally okay to have been sad all Christmas, but because I didn’t limit myself to that expectation up front, I wasn’t sad. At all. Not once. I know, I’m shocked too.

Lesson Learned

I can’t make any promises that I won’t get stuck again, but I hope the next time I’ll be a little quicker to remember that when I set my intentions, and release those boundaries and expectations, it frees me to just live in the moment. And that moment might be pretty damned good.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

The Christmas GRP:

You know I go all in on my Grief Recovery Projects, so here’s a quick breakdown of Operation Christmas.

1. Go home for Christmas

My first Christmas in three years needed to be at home. I had to force myself to return, but it was worth it.

2. Be Festive

This can be harder than it sounds, but I did it.  I went to places that were all peopley AND festive, including parties. I rocked dresses, ugly Christmas sweaters, and Santa hats. And I had a great time.

3. Eat Christmas cookies

Two of my friends are the most amazing cookie bakers on the planet. I’m happy to help them sample any and all recipes. I’ll be one of those dorks who joins the gym next week.

4. Go look at Christmas lights

Driving around town in our matching Christmas jammies on Christmas Eve, with hot cocoa and my favorite two-year-old, was a favorite moment. It reminded me of all the Christmases as a kid when mom and dad would drag us out to Candy Cane Lane and Honolulu City Hall to see all the lights. The Winter Garden Aglow paid homage to my last visits there with Dad and Dan. Wistful, but also beautiful.

5. Wear Christmas jammies

Y’all rock. After blogging about getting some, I had Christmas jammies show up in special delivery from both Santa and one of Santa’s amazing helpers.

6. Spend as much time as possible with friends and family

At the end of the day, it’s all about the people we love, and the time and experiences we share with them that matter. Thank you to everyone who made time in their busy holiday lives for me.

7. Christmas music

The boycott is over. I listened, I sang, and I Christmas music’d the F*out. And as for the singing, I didn’t say it was good, I just said I was all in. That’s right, that was me belting out Rocking Around the Christmas Tree at the top of my lungs in my car.

8. Honor traditions

Baby Sister dug my Christmas stocking and ornaments out of the trash pile when I left town a year and a half ago, and they were hanging up at her house when I got home. Some traditions are good. I’m grateful she had the foresight to rescue them, on the off chance I ever chose to do Christmas again.

9. Say His Name

I talked about favorite holiday memories of Dan and Dad, and didn’t cry! After Thanksgiving, where no one mentioned his name at all, I participated in the Hope For Widows Foundation “Say His Name” campaign this year. I know it’s scary to talk about the deceased because you don’t know how the bereaved will react, but it’s good to share happy memories of them. You aren’t reminding us they died. You are assuring us they are remembered.

10. The magic of Christmas

Waking up Christmas morning to have my little prince take a flying laughing leap off the stairs into my arms to see what Santa had brought was my absolute favorite moment. It’s true, kids really do help us see the magic of Christmas. Talk about No Boundaries, No Expectations.  Kids just show up and live in every magical moment as they happen.

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