Dedicated to Big Larry and Papa Woolsey. Thank you for raising such good humans and sharing them with me. Rest in love and light.
A Friends and Family Post
Last week, two of my best friends both lost their dads on the same day. Until that day, I never realized how grateful I could be for all the loss and pain I went through. And while all that suffering still hasn’t made me an expert on what to say or do, it has allowed me to be a more supportive friend in this awful moment.
These two were there for me through thick and thin. I love them. And I’m so blown away by their desire to do things the right way for their moms despite their own pain and grief. Here are a few tips for the rest of you.
How to Help: Week 1
I’ve blogged more than once about how to help a new Widow. I’m not going to rehash all that here but will add a few things to think about in that first week, when everything is in triage.
Go With the Flow
Check her visitor “temperature” throughout the day. If you’re family helping her in the early days, please remember this will change from minute to minute. She may not want to be alone in the morning, but by afternoon is on fumes and needs to sleep. By evening she may be wide awake and not want to be alone again. Just go with it. Put visitors on notice that availability may change at the last minute.
Do the Things
Yes! Take out the trash, clean the kitchen and bathroom, whatever needs to be done (inner circle peeps only, please). But, whatever you do, DO NOT wash her bedsheets or his clothes. These items may still smell like him. Some people hold on to them for a long time. Let her be the one to make that call. If you really need to change the bed linens, don’t wash them. And keep his pillow in its case on the bed. Trust me on this one.
Let Her Feel the Feelings
Don’t tell her what to think, feel, or do. Do ask her what she’s thinking, feeling, and what she’d like to do at that moment.
There are so many ways to help, and her need for you won’t disappear right away. In fact, we usually need you even more in the months and years that follow, but those are blog posts for another day.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
Post Soundtrack
Help!, The Beatles
I need somebody
(Help) not just anybody
(Help) you know I need someone
(Help) So much younger than today
(I never needed) I never needed anybody’s help in any way
(Now) but now these days are gone (these days are gone) I’m not so self-assured (and now I find)
Now I find I’ve changed my mind, I’ve opened up the doors
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
(But) but every now and then (now and then) I feel so insecure (I know that I)
I know that I just need you like I never done before
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?
When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
(Now) but now these days are gone (these days are gone) I’m not so self-assured (and now I find)
Now I find, I’ve changed my mind, I’ve opened up the doors
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me, help me, help me, ooh?
Songwriters: John Lennon / Paul Mccartney
Help! (mono) lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC