Wandering Widow

Don’t Tell Me Not To Hang Out With Other Widows

August 14, 2018 By Lisa Bain

“Find people who can handle your darkest truths, who don’t change the subject when you share your pain, or try to make you feel bad for feeling bad. Find people who understand we all struggle, some of us more than others, and that there’s no weakness in admitting it. Find people who want to be real, however that looks and feels, and who want you to be real, too. Find people who get that life is hard, and who get that life is also beautiful, and who aren’t afraid to honor both of those realities. Find people who help you feel more at home in your heart, mind and body, and who take joy in your joy. Find people who love you, for real, and who accept you, for real. Just as you are.

They’re out there, these people. Your tribe is waiting for you. Don’t stop searching until you find them.”
Scott Stabile

A What Not to Say Post

The W Club — Don’t tell me not to hang out with other W’s.

Over the last two years, I’ve been told by a handful of people that I shouldn’t hang out with other Widows; that it’s morbid and holding me back. I can take a lot, but if you want to see me go ape $hit in less than three seconds, go ahead and try bashing my W Sisterhood.

It IS true that I spend a lot of time talking about grief. News flash: I’m a grief blogger, it goes with the territory. Because I write about it, people connect me with other Widows. I’m happy to help in any way I can, just like those that helped me. I started a Widow’s social group in my area. We hang out. No fears of being a third wheel with this group. (My PR is 13th wheel. I should get a trophy or private whiskey label for that. Right?) These women are my sisters in the grief journey; my tribe. They get me, and we’ve become a family.

I try to see where the Judgy McJudgerson’s are coming from. Maybe they are afraid, so don’t want me to acknowledge grief’s existence. Or, maybe it’s because they think my sharing in someone else’s grief journey is too much for me to bear. (That’s the most generous I can be.) But I had someone tell me once, to my face, that it was just plain morbid. For f* sake, our husbands are all dead, of course it’s f*ng morbid. But it’s so much more than that.

The Widowhood Sisterhood

1. Understanding

Other Widows understand how you feel. No judgment. No explanation necessary. We get it. Other Widows don’t require you to hide your grief and pain which, in case you didn’t know, is f*ng exhausting. You can vent without apology. You can be tired. You can talk about your lost will to live, without someone freaking out that you’re suicidal. (FYI, not wanting to live and wanting to harm yourself are two different things. If another W tells you she’s scared for you, it’s time to get help.) Other Widows can handle the raw ugliness of grief in a way our Non-W friends and family can’t.

2. Cry If You Want To

You can cry in front of other Widows and they don’t judge you, or try to fix you, or tell you to suck it up buttercup. Nope. They cry too, and hug you, and just remind you that you aren’t truly alone in the world, no matter how lonely you are. Same goes for atomic meltdowns and grief bombs. No judging or a$$ chewing, only understanding and love and acceptance.

3. Widow Snark

I can’t express how much I love Widow snark. Dark humor is a coping mechanism, and we use it with abandon when we’re with other Widows. Normals (what we sometimes call you) either don’t get it, are afraid to laugh, or accuse us of being morbid. Case in point, I decided my Halloween costume this year will be a life-sized cardboard cutout of Dan and I’m going as “Not A Widow.” My W friends found this hilarious. Some of my Normal friends…not so much. (FYI, it IS hilarious. And it’s okay to laugh.) We joke because it feels better than crying.

4. Widow Dating Comedy

You can talk to other Widows about men, dating, and sex without the judgment you get from your Normal friends and family. Most of us don’t even bother telling our Normals anything anymore because we get tired of hearing the same stupid crap every other single woman hears, with no regard to the layer of widow baggage. (I know you can’t wait for my hilarious blog series on Widows and dating. Coming soon!)

5. Grief Emergencies

Grief bombs happen. You can call another W and say “911” or “I can’t be alone tonight” and she’ll be there. We rally for each other with no explanation needed. And no excuses about being too busy with work/family/life. Rushing over in PJs late at night, early morning sobbing phone calls, or emergency happy hours and dinner dates are par for the course. Life happens. Grief happens. And you never feel like you’re putting another W out by asking for help.

We Don’t Want You To Understand

While I wish we didn’t have our shared reason to be in the W Club, these women are beautiful, fierce and inspirational survivors. I am so grateful to have them in my life and my tribe.

So before you tell a W that she shouldn’t hang out with other Widows, shut your pie hole and remember that they provide a support and understanding you can’t. It’s not a contest. We’re happy you don’t have a f*ng clue what we’re going through because the only way you could understand, would be as one of us. And we don’t wish that on anyone.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

POST SOUNDTRACK

We Are Family ∼ Sister Sledge

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing

Everyone can see we’re together
As we walk on by
(And) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won’t tell no lie

(All) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close
Just let me state for the record
We’re giving love in a family dose

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing

Living life is fun and we’ve just begun
To get our share of this world’s delights
(High) high hopes we have for the future
And our goal’s in sight

(We) no, we don’t get depressed
Here’s what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won’t go wrong, oh no
This is our family jewel

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family (get up, get up y’all)
Get up everybody and sing

We are family

Exit Strategy : The Grieving and Social Anxiety

August 7, 2018 By Lisa Bain

A Coping With Grief Post

“Whichever path you choose, always know how to quit this path, always know where the exit is because once realised that the path is wrong, it has to be left immediately!”
Mehmet Murat ildan

One of the worst surprises of the grief process was the arrival of social anxiety. I went from an active social life to barely able to leave my house, even when it was for family events. Being around other people in social situations was overwhelming, terrifying, and miserable. I lost count of the occasions where I’d find myself dressed and in the car ready to go to an event, then crying hysterically and hyperventilating, before finally giving up and going back to bed.

If you’ve been reading for awhile, you know I tried almost everything to get over this part of grief: pharmaceuticals, counseling, hypnotherapy, the works. Here are my top tips for new Widows dealing with social anxiety.

Tip #1 Don’t Go

Give yourself permission not to go. It may be too soon. You may feel obligated, but never forget you’re obligated to yourself first and foremost. That includes skipping weddings, funerals, birthday parties, the holidays, or whatever makes you feel awful.

Tip #2 Go

Go anyway, but give yourself permission to leave after one minute if you need to. This was the best advice my hypnotherapist gave me, and one I exercised regularly. It didn’t matter if it was a milestone birthday, anniversary party or wedding, I bailed as soon as I felt myself starting to hyperventilate or cry. The last thing I wanted to do was draw attention away from the guests of honor. I found people would argue with me about leaving, so got really good at ghosting, a social trend I used to find annoying and rude.

Tip #3 Communicate

Communicate with your family and friends about what to expect (share this link if that’s easier). It’s okay to forewarn them that you’re going to attend, but that you may leave early if it gets too hard. Explain that you love them but respect them too much to take the attention away from them if you have a full meltdown. If they argue with you about it before you even get there, put your PJs back on, order a pizza and a movie and stay home. No one is worth that kind of pressure on your grief-induced social anxiety. No one.

When Dan’s step-son and his beautiful bride got married, I let them know I would probably not make it. It was right around the one-year deathiversary milestone and I was a wreck. They were disappointed but loved me anyway. No pressure. (OMG I love them so much!) On the big day, I managed to get myself dressed and to their wedding reception. I made it a whole 20 minutes before I felt myself starting to meltdown. No way was I going to make myself the center of attention, so I snuck out and bawled all the way home. But YAY ME! for going.

Tip #4 Brace Yourself

No matter what they say, or how enlightened they think they are, you’re going to get THE LOOK. You know, the one of pity and sadness. They don’t know they’re doing it (the older they are the worse it gets, but young people do it too). Just try to ignore it. Or, remember you gave yourself permission to leave at any time and turn around and walk out the door. Be sure to congratulate yourself for making it +1 minutes, because that is pretty bada$$ for W’s in our situation.

Tip #5 Exit Strategy

Have an exit strategy. I talk to a lot of other Widows about their exit strategies, and driving yourself is a favorite. There is nothing worse than going to an event with someone, needing to leave, and then they aren’t ready to go. I personally like rideshare apps like Uber or Lyft, or just calling a taxi. It’s a lot better to pay for a cab than losing a friend or harboring resentment that they let you down and wouldn’t support your need to leave.

And part of having an exit strategy is not volunteering to host. There is no graceful way to exit if everyone is at your home. I hosted my first family dinner six months after Dan died. Knowing it had the potential to be rough, especially since I’d just opted out of all holiday functions, I warned my family that if I disappeared, not to look for me. They were to carry on, stay as long as they wanted, and lock the door behind them. Somehow knowing I had an out was what my social anxiety needed to let me have a nice time and I didn’t need to hide away.

No matter what, be kind to yourself.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Post Soundtrack

Runaway, Bon Jovi

On the street where you live girls talk about their social lives
They’re made of lipstick, plastic and paint, a touch of sable in their eyes
All your life, all your life all you’ve asked when’s your daddy gonna talk to you
But you were living in another world tryin’ to get your message through.

No one heard a single word you said.
They should have seen it in your eyes
What was going around your head.

Ooh, she’s a little runaway.
Daddy’s girl learned fast
All those things he couldn’t say.
Ooh, she’s a little runaway.

How Has It Been Two Years Without Him?

July 10, 2018 By Lisa Bain

“Time moves on for us, for you it stands still. You will be forever ageless as we grow old, your smile will never wrinkle, nor will that shine in your eyes fade.”
Kendal Rob

A Wondering Widow Post

It’s almost impossible to believe two years have passed since I sat vigil, alone with my beloved after our family left for the night; two years since I watched my beloved die a gruesome death. It’s surreal to think a year has passed since I survived Dan’s one-year deathiversary. And it’s a miracle I remember it at all since I spent that day with some amazing friends who agreed to day drink with me so I wouldn’t be alone. (I know, I have the best friends ever.)

And today, somehow, I found myself at the two-year mark. I’ve spent the bulk of this second year on the road; traveling in the hopes of finding myself as I sought out beautiful places, interesting people, and adventure. And in the midst of my searching, I found something unexpected: happiness and peace. That’s not to say there haven’t been tears along the way; lots of them in the last few days. (The night before continues to be worse than the morning of. Maybe because that’s when I felt the most helpless and alone.)

Brace For Impact

Our nephew was born a month before Dan died, and this was the closest he got to holding a grandbaby. After this photo was taken, and we were finally alone again, my big strong man broke down and cried.

If you are a regular reader, you know I try to brace for impact against these grief milestones by keeping myself busy and surrounded with people I love. So I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend this second deathiversary with than my beautiful new granddaughter.

Dan worshiped his Grandpa and couldn’t wait to be one himself. It was his one dying regret. So as I held this sweet little girl, part of my heart felt that familiar ache for him. He should have been here. He would have loved her instantly and fiercely. Dan would have spoiled her rotten and included her in all kinds of shenanigans that her parents wouldn’t approve of, and then laughed about it. He would have been the coolest Grandpa ever.

Circle of Life

Tutu, tell me another story about Grandpa Dan.

But the other part of my heart was full of joy. Because, as I held the world’s most perfect grandchild until my arms were ready to fall off, I realized I’m now the one who gets to tell her all about her Grandpa Dan. How funny he was, how smart he was, how handsome he was, and what a knuckle-dragging cretin he could be. I get to be the cool Granny that gets her in all kinds of shenanigans. Life goes on, and we’ll be living it to the fullest, just like her Grandpa Dan did. (Anyone else hearing Circle of Life from Lion King in their head right now? No? Just me?)

It’s strange to think of her growing up in a world without him. But, just like me, she’ll be surrounded by people who love her and will keep his memory alive. So as I sit here gazing at this beautiful sleeping angel, I’m marking the 2nd Year Deathiversary Milestone officially survived. Thanks to everyone for the messages of support, today and every day.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Special thanks to M and K for the opportunity to not only be a Grandma, but to spend this day with their precious angel.

Post Soundtrack

You Should Be Here, Cole Swindell

It’s perfect outside. It’s like God let me dial up the weather.
Got the whole crew here, I ain’t seen some of them in forever.
It’s one of those never-forget-it-better-stop-and-take-it-in kinda scenes.
Everything’s just right, yeah, except for one thing.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
You should be here.

You’d be taking way too many pictures on your phone.
Showing them off to everybody that you know back home.
And even some you don’t, yeah
They say now you’re in a better place
And I would be too if I could see your face.

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey, y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this.
Aw you should be here.

You’d be loving this, you’d be freaking out, you’d be smiling, yeah
I know you’d be all about what’s going on right here right now.
God, I wish somehow you could be here.

Oh, you should be here.

Yeah, this is one of those moments that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this.
Aw you should be here.
You should be here.

To The Women Who Complain About Their Husbands

June 26, 2018 By Lisa Bain

A What Not To Say Post

“What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.”
Maya Angelou, Wouldn’t Take Nothing for My Journey Now

Are you kidding me? Don’t complain about your husband in front of a Widow.

Ladies, I know that when we get together it’s common to wrap up the party with a “complain about our husbands” session. Guys do it too, so this post isn’t directed at ladies only. But since I’m a woman and not usually invited to dude bitch sessions, I can only write about what I know.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Ladies, part of me would like to tell y’all to just shut the hell up, especially when you’re complaining about your husbands in front of a Widow. Could you be more insensitive? Pretty sure your mama taught you better than that.

A Public Service Announcement

But that’s not really what this post is about. This is actually a public service announcement. I have something I think you should know, that will hopefully spare you some future guilt. It’s really important, so please listen up. Ready? When he dies (and statistically speaking the odds are he’ll die before you) you’re really gonna miss whatever stupid thing it is you’re complaining about.

Yep. I know it’s hard to believe, but you’ll long for the snoring that kept you awake at night when your new world is suddenly silent. You’ll break down in tears at the clean closet floor that used to be littered with dirty socks and tee shirts that, inexplicably, never quite made it to the laundry hamper. While you’re struggling to make ends meet without him, you’ll wish he was late for dinner again because he was working late (again) to provide for his family. You’ll find yourself turning on shows you never liked just to hear the noise and pretend he’s still dozing on the couch instead of doing whatever chore you thought he should be doing.

Instead of complaining about whatever he did or didn’t do, you’ll find yourself complaining about all the time you wasted complaining. You’ll regret bitching about the things that you now know aren’t important, and the lost opportunities. You’ll wish you spoke softer and kinder.

I know you won’t believe me. I know, because I did it too. Death and widowhood were so far off my radar they may as well not have existed. Fast forward to today and I’d give anything to stomp all over those words. Instead of complaining, I’d plop down on the couch next to him, leaving dirty socks on the floor, to snuggle up and listen to him snoring in front of the TV instead of doing chores.

The next time you get together with your lady friends, think about your words. If you knew he was going to die tomorrow, you probably wouldn’t care enough to still complain.

Just thought you should know.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Thanks for the topic request. Got a subject you’d like to read about? Message me. And thanks for reading. XO, L

I Left My Heart in San Francisco

June 17, 2018 By Lisa Bain

A Wandering Widow Post

“Never stop wandering into wonder.”
Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

After a six week break in Idaho, I was antsy to get back on the road. A short hop over to San Francisco for a few days was just what the travel doctor ordered! The weather was absolutely perfect; sunny and warm, and unusual for this time of year.

This was my first visit to San Francisco without Dan, and thanks to family and friends I had a blast rediscovering one of my favorite cities from a new angle. What’s your favorite backyard trip?

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Click here for my San Francisco photo album.

NOB HILL PRINCESS

My friend called it a guest room. I called it a princess suite in a 5-star resort. Either way, I was living the pampered life in Nob Hill, with rooftop views to die for. You can easily find Airbnbs for rent in the area if you don’t want to deal with San Francisco’s current hotel bed bug problem. From Nob Hill, I had easy access to The Presidio, Crissy’s Field, Union Square, and the SF Jazz Center. And while you need to be with a member, fancy hats, champagne cocktails, and a group of incredible women made lunch at the Metropolitan Club a highlight of my visit.

CRISSY’S FIELD

This beautiful section of the San Francisco Bay Walk Trail is easy to get to and has nice even paths to walk along the water’s edge. Oh, and did I mention the view? That bridge, cloaked in fog, is stunning in any weather but glorious in the full sun. Park near the yacht club and walk toward The Warming Hut at the base of the bridge for delicious coffee, pastries, and artsy San Francisco souvenirs.

SF JAZZ FESTIVAL

Since the Jazz Festival was going on while I was there, I managed to get a ticket to see Brian Blade & The Fellowship at Miner Auditorium. SF Jazz is a cool place, and the first building in the United States constructed specifically for jazz performances. Every seat makes you feel like you are up close and personal with the musicians.

I love music of any kind, but jazz always reminds me of my friend Steve, who introduced me to it fifteen years ago when we were both working in Japan. As many concerts and music clubs as I’ve visited in my travels, this was my first jazz concert outside of New Orleans, an embarrassingly long time ago. I won’t ever wait that long again.

BEACH BLANKET BABYLON

My friends suggested Beach Blanket Babylon, and I’m so glad they did! This 90-minute musical theater + New Yorker cartoon mashup had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt. (I haven’t laughed that hard since I was in Amstelveen!) The vocal talent, costumes, satire, and hilarity made it one of my favorite stage performances to date. It’s updated regularly, so worth seeing again.

Wandering Widow

Don’t Tell Me Not To Hang Out With Other Widows

A What Not to Say Post