A Keeping It Real Post
While I was in Hawai’i, I was lucky enough to catch up with an old friend; one who both knew me before I became Mrs. Bain, and also knew D. As we sat at the family dinner table, catching up on all that’s happened in the last decade, the topic of life AD eventually came up. It was a strange sense of déjà vu as we sat there once again discussing my dating life. (My buddy gave me hilarious Bro Tips worthy dating advice back when Dan was courting me.) When we got to the weirdness of it all, I shared how D had given me his blessing to find love again before he died.
My friend, who is in the military and stares death in the face regularly, interrupted me, saying that he could never give his wife that blessing; he was too jealous and selfish to do that. My buddy loves his wife but can’t bring himself to envision a life without both of them in it. He shook his head, demanding, “How did he do it?” He paused a moment to think, then he said, “I wish Dan were here so I could talk to him about this.”
In Theory
I suddenly had that intense desire, too. I’d appreciated what a rare gift D had given me, but until that moment I hadn’t considered that giving it to me was painful for him. Like many couples, we’d talked about our desire for the other to find love again if we died. That was all fine and dandy when it was theoretical and part of a life insurance conversation.
When D accepted he was going to die, it moved from theoretical to practical. I knew he was going to die, too, but I refused to have the conversation. In hindsight, that was unfair of me not to allow him to talk about it. But I was already grieving his loss and couldn’t bear it.
The Last Word
(p/c Pixabay)
D respected that boundary, throwing in a few, “wait a few weeks before hooking up with the cabana boy” jokes, but sparing me the heavy conversation about moving forward in a world without him. But, just like in life, he was sure as hell going to have the last word on the topic.
D had one-on-one conversations with those closest to us, including his siblings and his daughter. He instructed them that when the time came for me to start dating, that they were to support me in that decision. D made sure they knew he didn’t want me to be alone forever; that he loved me and wanted me to be happy, even if it couldn’t be with him.
Don’t Shoot the Messengers
As I put a toe in the water of the murky dating pool, they all came to me privately to share D’s message and their support. At first, I was livid. How dare they intrude on this new phase of my life by delivering his message? This was hard enough without anyone else’s input, especially that of my dead husband. (F@#$%^g Daniel! This was all your fault!) I didn’t think I needed or wanted their support. I was wrong. (Yeah, D, I’m publicly admitting I was wrong. Write it down.)
When I waffled about trying a relationship on for size, they were once again there to assure me D would want this, and that I had their support. I can’t imagine how hard it was for them to hear me talk about someone that wasn’t him, but they’ve always put on a smile for me.
Most of them, anyway. Those that haven’t been able to, have been phased out of my inner circle. Our relationship is protected because this area of my life is now off limits. And that’s okay. It all goes back to that theoretical vs. practical conflict; the theoretical support of the idea of my dating vs. the practical reality that no one I choose to love will ever be D. I get it, and I hold no ill will towards them. They loved him, too. Their issues belong to them and have nothing to do with me.
Blessed
I’ve spoken to many widows who have always doubted whether they’d have their late husband’s support in their pursuit of life and love after loss. I’ve even met widows whose late husbands were so angry they were dying, they forbade their soon-to-be-widows from dating again. Wow. I can’t even imagine trying to move forward in life with that. Fortunately, I don’t have to.
In life, D was an epic gift giver. He put a lot of time and thought into whatever he chose for me, even with the smallest things. At the center of it all was his desire to make me happy. I am blessed D loved me, and knew me well enough to know he was doing the right thing. I’m grateful to have been loved so much, he wanted me to find love and happiness without him. And I’ll treasure that night around the dinner table in Hawai’i for the realization D’s final gift broke his heart so I could one day heal mine.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
P.S. If you are still lucky enough to have your partner with you, please consider taking time to have this conversation while you still can.
Post Soundtrack
You’re Gonna Love Again, NERVO
Hearts run right to the end
People come home you don’t need to be scared
’Cause you gonna love
You gonna love again
Take a chance on a broken heart ’cause we’re starting again
We gotta try even if it’s hard
Try baby to understand
To find a rainbow in every storm, you gotta believe
Don’t ever doubt that you do belong now
‘Cause it started with you
It started with me
Hearts run right to the end
You’re gonna love
You’re gonna love again
People come home you don’t need to be scared
‘Cause you gonna love
You gonna love again
Songwriters: Miriam Nervo / Olivia Nervo / Tim Bergling
You’re Gonna Love Again lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC