“A mermaid is not frightened by her own duality. She is a walking contradiction of piety and lust, sobriety and ecstasy, brilliance and stubbornness, the sacred and the scandalous…so dance with your own inner paradox.”
Margot Datz, A Survival Guide for Landlocked Mermaids
A Keeping It Real Post
A few weeks ago, I sat on the sundeck of my cruise ship, as we sailed into Cologne, Germany. Watching the sun warm the Cathedral that towers over the city, negated the chill of the morning breeze that allowed me the deck almost all to myself. The sun glinting off the locks on Hohenzollern Bridge turned all those symbols of eternal love to gold. It was incredible, and I was overwhelmed with emotion.
Reminiscing
Tears streamed down my face, and I was grateful for the solitude. Dan was stationed in Germany in his youth and had talked for years about bringing me to Germany. While the timing of this particular trip wasn’t deliberate, it could have been. A year ago on that day (thanks Facebook memory reminder), we were returning home from our first and last trip with our extended family.
That trip was the rally before the end. Just a few days after our return, Dan’s doctors told us there was nothing more they could do, and sent us home on hospice. I’ll never forget the look of confusion on his face as he looked at me, helpless to process what they were saying; we were out of time. My heart broke that day.
It didn’t take long. It was just a few more days before Dan fell into a coma. And then a few more days and he was gone. Forever. I often say that the moment he took his last breath was the worst moment of my life. That’s a lie, by the way. The worst moment of my life came a few days earlier, before the coma. It was the moment that, thanks to the brain tumors, he looked at me and didn’t know who I was. (Fuck you, cancer.)
The Duality of Widowhood
But I digress. Today’s post is about the duality of widowhood. It’s essential to understand the depth of the despair before you can accept the significance of today’s happiness and the duality that both the light and the dark will forever be intertwined.
I have thrown myself into every minute of this new life, embracing it for all its beauty and ugliness. I feel all the feelings, and don’t dwell on the past. So I was surprised that morning, sitting on that breezy sun deck, to suddenly remember D’s enthusiastic proclamation that he was going to take me to Germany.
I sat there, musing into my morning coffee, and proclaimed aloud that he should be proud of me, that I’d made it to Germany after all. And that’s when my heart seized up into a ball full of muscle memory, and the waterworks started.
And that was okay. “You have to feel the feelings!”
So I did. As much as I wish we’d have had the opportunity to visit Germany together, I’m grateful to have been there. And I love the F*k out of my life. That’s the duality. He’ll always be in my heart, even though it always has more room for love and life. I can be so happy my heart feels like it will burst, and still feel the ache of his absence.
The Double Helix
People often think bereavement is a long dark cloud of pain and suffering. But that is only half the story. Grieving can also be full of moments of life and love and happiness. The two strands circle each other like a double helix, both the light and the dark. They aren’t mutually exclusive, and I’ve learned that the bereaved can feel both intensely, often at the same time.
Confusing? Try living it.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
Shout out to my friend Marni Henderson of Sunrise Retreats for first introducing me to the concept of the duality of widowhood.
POST SOUNDTRACK
Out there are hunters
Let’s say predators
I have weapons
That could destroy them
You must out-create
It’s the only way
I am the hunter
And the hunted
Joined together
You create duality
And neutrality
I must leave you
With the Fire muse
Show her the riddle
It is serious
If you lose
Out there
I’ll be the hare
Then I’m the greyhound
Chasing after you
Then I will change my frequency
To a fish that thinks
Then you will find yourself
In the paws
Of the otter
Near her jaws
Then I’ll grow my wings
As a flying thing
Flying thing, you be warned
I’m the falcon
Watch me change
Into a grain of corn
A grain of corn
Hear the alarm
In your head
I’m the hen
Black and red
And you’re in my barn
They would have won
Use your head or you’ll be dead
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Tori Ellen Amos
The Chase lyrics © Downtown Music Publishing