“Time moves on for us, for you it stands still. You will be forever ageless as we grow old, your smile will never wrinkle, nor will that shine in your eyes fade.”
Kendal Rob
A Wondering Widow Post
It’s almost impossible to believe two years have passed since I sat vigil, alone with my beloved after our family left for the night; two years since I watched my beloved die a gruesome death. It’s surreal to think a year has passed since I survived Dan’s one-year deathiversary. And it’s a miracle I remember it at all since I spent that day with some amazing friends who agreed to day drink with me so I wouldn’t be alone. (I know, I have the best friends ever.)
And today, somehow, I found myself at the two-year mark. I’ve spent the bulk of this second year on the road; traveling in the hopes of finding myself as I sought out beautiful places, interesting people, and adventure. And in the midst of my searching, I found something unexpected: happiness and peace. That’s not to say there haven’t been tears along the way; lots of them in the last few days. (The night before continues to be worse than the morning of. Maybe because that’s when I felt the most helpless and alone.)
Brace For Impact
If you are a regular reader, you know I try to brace for impact against these grief milestones by keeping myself busy and surrounded with people I love. So I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend this second deathiversary with than my beautiful new granddaughter.
Dan worshiped his Grandpa and couldn’t wait to be one himself. It was his one dying regret. So as I held this sweet little girl, part of my heart felt that familiar ache for him. He should have been here. He would have loved her instantly and fiercely. Dan would have spoiled her rotten and included her in all kinds of shenanigans that her parents wouldn’t approve of, and then laughed about it. He would have been the coolest Grandpa ever.
Circle of Life
But the other part of my heart was full of joy. Because, as I held the world’s most perfect grandchild until my arms were ready to fall off, I realized I’m now the one who gets to tell her all about her Grandpa Dan. How funny he was, how smart he was, how handsome he was, and what a knuckle-dragging cretin he could be. I get to be the cool Granny that gets her in all kinds of shenanigans. Life goes on, and we’ll be living it to the fullest, just like her Grandpa Dan did. (Anyone else hearing Circle of Life from Lion King in their head right now? No? Just me?)
It’s strange to think of her growing up in a world without him. But, just like me, she’ll be surrounded by people who love her and will keep his memory alive. So as I sit here gazing at this beautiful sleeping angel, I’m marking the 2nd Year Deathiversary Milestone officially survived. Thanks to everyone for the messages of support, today and every day.
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
Special thanks to M and K for the opportunity to not only be a Grandma, but to spend this day with their precious angel.
Post Soundtrack
You Should Be Here, Cole Swindell
It’s perfect outside. It’s like God let me dial up the weather.
Got the whole crew here, I ain’t seen some of them in forever.
It’s one of those never-forget-it-better-stop-and-take-it-in kinda scenes.
Everything’s just right, yeah, except for one thing.
You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this
You should be here.
You’d be taking way too many pictures on your phone.
Showing them off to everybody that you know back home.
And even some you don’t, yeah
They say now you’re in a better place
And I would be too if I could see your face.
You should be here, standing with your arm around me here.
Cutting up, cracking a cold beer, saying cheers, hey, y’all it’s sure been a good year.
It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it.
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this.
Aw you should be here.
You’d be loving this, you’d be freaking out, you’d be smiling, yeah
I know you’d be all about what’s going on right here right now.
God, I wish somehow you could be here.
Oh, you should be here.
Yeah, this is one of those moments that’s got your name written all over it
And you know that if I had just one wish it’d be that you didn’t have to miss this.
Aw you should be here.
You should be here.
Damn.
Hugs.
Love.
He absolutely should be. That’s the part that makes it so damn hard! xo
You are so loved! Lisa, what a gift to all of us including that new grandbaby you are and will be. Yes! I hear you telling her all about her Grandpa as only you will be able too!!! Blessings!! Gretchen
Thanks Gretchen! XO, Lisa
Soulful and inspirational as always, Lisa. You carry Dan with you forever, in your memories and in your telling his (and your ) story to your grand baby and others. This line from the song resonated with me “Yeah, this is one of those moments that’s got your name written all over it”.
Thanks Dana. Love and light to you as you travel your own grief journey. XO, Lisa
This post, as so many, brought me to tears. I’m so glad I found this blog which resonates with everything I feel unlike so many of the other blogs/podcasts I tried. My husband was diagnosed with a rare,acute leukemia 3 months after Dan passed and after a 5 month war,he too left us. I just attended my sons wedding and somehow made it through, all the time thinking “you should have been here”. I too have sold our home and am traveling as much as possible although have not garnered the courage to go alone. Yet.
Sending love and light your way. XO, Lisa