I don’t care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching–they are your family.
Jim Butcher, Proven Guilty
A Wondering Widow Post
Those of you who have been following along for a while know that one of the biggest shocks to my system, after losing Dan, was going from a full house to being on my own.
Traveling alone wasn’t always easy, but it was safe. Being alone meant I didn’t have to worry about the pain that comes when your family suddenly disappears. It meant not having to say good-bye.
Imagine my surprise when I started to live with other humans again and got the bitch slap realization that I’d missed it. I like to focus on the positive, and not dwell on what I’ve lost, so the acknowledgment that I missed being part of a family caught me off guard. I was suddenly once again vulnerable to having that ripped away from me.
But as the great Gretzy wisely pointed out, we miss 100% of the shots we don’t take. So, thanks to the generosity of my family and friends who share their homes with me while I travel, I’m giving it a go. Here’s what I’ve missed most about being part of a family:
HUGS
My sweet friends, Cheryl and Nan, are world class huggers. Growing up Japanese, this wasn’t a thing. In fact, when I moved to Idaho (a state full of huggers), I had to adjust my bubble to tolerate all the hugging so I wouldn’t be rude. I trained myself to stop backing up when I saw huggers approaching, and learned quickly not to allow myself to get stuck in a corner where I couldn’t escape.
One day I realized I actually missed the hugging and the human contact. (I’ve previously written about the sensory deprivation that comes with widowhood). Lisa Bain, a converted hugger? Who would’ve thunk it?
And while the goodbye hugs were bittersweet as I was leaving my new family behind in Europe, I couldn’t wait for those big squeezy hugs from the people I loved when I got home.
TOGETHERNESS
My cousins and new friends blessed me with some family time while I was in Europe. To have people scoop me up and absorb me into their family’s lives was an incredible gift. It had been so long I’d forgotten what it felt like to be part of boisterous family dinners, snuggling up on the couch watching movies with a young one, or laughing with someone while cooking. Hanging out with parents, kids, boyfriends, cats, and everyone in between, and sharing a roof with other humans, felt both foreign and familiar. And it felt damned good.
After years struggling to balance career, family, volunteer work, and caregiver responsibilities, I’ve spent the last year taking care of myself; a necessary part of my grief recovery journey. But I’d forgotten how much I love taking care of other people too. Who knew how much you could miss cooking, gardening, and even laundry when it’s for people you care about.
GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD MORNING
I’m still new to living with other humans. Not gonna lie, it was weird and strangely alien at first. Think about other people’s schedules and their presence? I’m lucky to have had very easy roommates to help break me back in, so I got used to it pretty quickly.
I’d forgotten how beautiful it is to have someone remember how you like your coffee and have it waiting for you. Hearing the door open and, Hey, I’m home, brings a smile to my face every time. Yeah, something as simple and Good Night and Good Morning are missed beyond measure when you’re suddenly thrust into widowhood.
So as I couch surf my way through the US this summer, I have a message for my new roomies. Whether we’re family by law, tradition, or heart, “Hey. I’m back. And damn I’ve missed you. Now, what can I cook for you?”
XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.
Post Soundtrack
Lift up your hearts with a smile
Lift up your feet with a dance
Lift up your spirits with a song
Its family time its family time its family time
Hi how you doing
Hi how you been
Its really good to know we still got this thing
When we get together its so much fun
Everyone’s happy no ones gotta run
Lift up your hearts with a smile
Lift up your feet with a dance
Lift up your spirits with a song
Its family time its family time its family time
Now the world gets busy but its not hard to see
Family means the most to me
I’m so happy we found this time
We can all share whats on our minds
Lift up your hearts with a smile
Lift up your feet with a dance
Lift up your spirits with a song