When Love was Complicated, the Grief is Too

A Keeping It Real Post

In the last 48 hours, the world’s reaction to the news of Kobe Bryant’s tragic death has gone from shock to sadness to anger. Many rape survivors are understandably angry at the collective outpouring of grief for this man, who seems to have gotten away without punishment. His younger fans weren’t even born when that incident occurred. He did many good things in his life outside of basketball in the years following. And most importantly, he leaves a widow and children behind to pick up the pieces. His life was complicated, and so is the grief around his death. (There is an excellent commentary on this by Aly Wayne on Facebook that I’m not able to link here. It’s worth the time to look for it.)

It’s Complicated

I’m not writing about Kobe Bryant today, or anyone that was on that helicopter. But complicated grief (Facebook-style, not the clinical definition) has been percolating deep in my brain for a while now, wanting to get some air. When your love was complicated, the grieving is too. Remember when I promised to shine the light on the ugly underbelly of grief? Suit up, Kids, we’re going in deep.

I talk to a lot of Widows, and I mean a lot. There are a lot of us out there, and our numbers are growing by the hour. Widowhood doesn’t always come by way of cancer or a tragic accident. Sometimes it lands at our doorstep through addiction or suicide. Relationships can be chaotic and angry at the time they die, or even mid-divorce. No matter the circumstances, Widows still grieve, even when that grief mingles with relief and other confusing feelings.

Dirty Laundry

I know this first hand because I had one of those chaotic marriages. I often describe my relationship with D as an epic love story. And it was. But when you put two hotheads together, things can often get messy. We are, after all, only flawed humans. Throw PTSD and alcoholism into the mix, and you jump from messy to rocky.

I’ve stayed away from this topic because I was taught not to speak ill of the dead. That to do so was not only pointless but disrespectful. But maybe keeping the less than pretty parts a secret disrespects ourselves, by not allowing us to be authentic in our grief. I dunno. I do know that lately, I’ve been connecting with more widows who are desperate for someone who understands how complicated it can be. So here we are — dirty laundry out for the world to see.

In addition to being a good man who loved and took care of me, my man was an alcoholic. He was pretty good at keeping it under the radar, but it was there. At times it was so bad (counseling and divorce attorney bad) it almost broke us. I will never say that cancer saved our relationship because things were really good before he got sick. But his terminal diagnosis did allow us to heal old wounds before he died. Not many widows get that chance.

Alcoholism is a roller coaster, and I’m forever grateful that our relationship was full of sweetness and gentleness the summer before he got sick. It wasn’t always that way. As far as complicated goes? Yeah. I loved him deeply and grieved his loss so hard it was like I’d been cleaved in two.

Kaleidoscope of Feelings

I hated the silence that came with widowhood. But I also enjoyed the peace of not fighting about his drinking anymore. I realized I liked not having the anxiety that came with never knowing whether the fun drunk or the mean drunk was the one who would be coming home at night, just as much as I dreaded nightfall and the reminder he wasn’t coming home at all. And I felt guilty that I’d found things in this new life without him that I liked better. Reconciling these mixed emotions is complicated and confusing. And I’m well aware of how pathetic it was that I took to drinking to cope with his death.

These aren’t feelings we tend to discuss or even verbalize. And when we do, it’s usually only in hushed conversations with other Widows or our grief counselors. To all those who accuse us of putting on rose-colored glasses about our late husbands, I kindly invite you to shut the hell up. Just because we don’t share those things with you, doesn’t mean we’ve made them saints.

What I’ve Learned

So here I am, well down the road and looking in the rearview mirror at what was. What have I learned? My number one takeaway is this: our late husbands were doing the best they could. And we are doing the best we can as we navigate the complicated feelings that surround us on our grief journey. It’s possible to remember the good times without hiding the bad times. We aren’t perfect, and neither were they. There is no need to pretend otherwise.

To all the Widows who have shared, whether in hushed tones or shouted from rooftops, their stories with me, thank you. You aren’t alone in your grief. I’m here with you, and it’s okay to be complicated.

XOXO,
Lisa
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

Post Soundtrack

It’s Complicated, A Day to Remember
Here we go again, another night of being bumped
I can tell myself, avoid the sun
And cancel plans with everyone
I know, ’cause its just how it always ends
Our bond will break ’cause you can’t relate
To anyone, to anything at all

You brought your worst and I’m right here
No one’s seen it all, it’s never been so clear
You’re not the person that I knew back then
It’s all to late to set things right
‘Cause everything has been

You’re not the person that I knew back then
Let’s try and act like this didn’t happen
Follow your friends like you ever had them
You still know me
Still not cut out for this sort of thing
Never want to be, caught in between
I need constant reminders of everything
So what
It’s who I am, I played it off so well
I was holding in, no matter how I’ve been, so nobody
Nobody can tell

You brought your worst and I’m right here
No one’s seen it all, it’s never been so clear
You’re not the person that I knew back then
It’s all to late to set things right
‘Cause everything has been

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Alexander Thomas Shelnutt / Jeremy Wade McKinnon / Joshua Steven Woodard / Kevin Skaff / Neil S Westfall
It’s Complicated lyrics © Another Victory Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.