When the Post Funeral Invitations Stop (AKA I Invited Myself)

A Friends and Family Post

It’s funny how every time I say I’m taking time off from the blog, something comes up that makes my fingers itch to tap out a post. So that’s where I’m at today, sitting here trying to consolidate all the conversations I’ve had lately with my W friends about how lonely the holidays were. I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, but this seemed like a good reminder for the year ahead.

We know we keep turning you down

In the first season after our husband’s die, we are inundated with invitations. Sometimes we take you up on them. Sometimes we don’t. After repeated rejections, people just quit asking. This is me, sitting in my coffee shop office, raising my hand to claim ownership of this behavior. But I want you to know how much it means to me that you haven’t forgotten me, and haven’t stopped asking. Well, at least those of you who haven’t stopped.

Please continue to invite us anyway

I got a text from a friend recently asking how I was, with a final sentence of, “I think you are always busy, right?” I had to laugh. I’d just got done telling my grief counselor, not fifteen minutes earlier, how lonely it’s been since I returned home. And that, with a few stalwart exceptions, I no longer get invitations from non-Widows.

I fully acknowledge that I have a bad track record of accepting invitations and then not showing up. These days it’s not because I’m afraid I’m going to cry, or grief, all over your event. Usually, it’s just that the energy required to be charming and festive with so many people at one time is overwhelming.

For example, at Thanksgiving, a holiday I was excited enough about to actually cook for, the convo turned to children with terminal cancer and cadavers. Cadavers! WTAF! At that point, I dove face first into the wine bottle(s), which resulted in my getting a titch mouthy and my sister taking the can of whipped cream out of my hands. Err, that’s a story for another day. But I hope you can understand why I’m still a bit gunshy about larger events. And before you freak out, it wasn’t my family who brought up those topics, but other people who just didn’t know any better. People-y events can be SO hard!

What we hear

Regardless of whether we show up or not, or hide out in the kitchen doing the dishes while we’re there, please know what we hear when you extend the invitation:

You still matter
You are still loved
I/We haven’t forgotten you, or him, or any of what happened
You aren’t a burden
YOU AREN’T ALONE IN THIS WORLD, EVEN IF YOU ARE DOING THIS LIFE ALONE

The truth is, the more time passes since he died, the more we need those invitations. We may actually be ready to take you up on them now, and they may be the trick to helping us reintegrate into non-W social events.

Time to Speak Up

But back to the “you must be busy” line. After a while, we the Bereaved, need to try and raise our hands and let those closest to us know what we need. After letting myself go to the Dark Side, bemoaning how those closest to me had abandoned me, I realized that I was expecting them to be mind readers. (Somewhere, Dan is laughing and commiserating with you.) So I broke every Japanese etiquette rule and invited myself to Thanksgiving and Christmas. That was hard, and that was with my family!

My buddy, Gerald, and I have a running joke that I’m going to get a shirt made that proclaims with glittery pride, I invited myself! And I AM proud of that. Asking for help and sharing what you need is vulnerable and can be both painful and difficult. Let me know if you do it, you can join my T-shirt club.

So cheers to a happy, healthy, invitation filled New Year, even if you have to invite yourself.

XOXO,
The Wandering Widow
Live Now. Dream Big. Love Fierce.

PS: If you invite me and have wine, pumpkin pie, and insensitive conversations, my sisters beg you to hide the can of whipped cream. Whatever.

Post Soundtrack

Don’t You (Forget About Me)
Simple Minds

Won’t you come see about me?
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love’s strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on
Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don’t you, forget about me
Will you stand above me?
Look my way, never love me.

Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down
Will you recognize me?
Call my name or walk on by
Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down, down

Don’t you try and pretend
It’s my feeling we’ll win in the end
I won’t harm you or touch your defenses
Vanity and security
Don’t you forget about me
I’ll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Going to take you apart
I’ll put us back together at heart, baby
Don’t you, forget about me
As you walk on by
Will you call my name?
When you walk away
Or will you walk away?
Come on, call my name
Will you call my name?
As you walk on by

When the Post Funeral Invitations Stop (AKA I Invited Myself)